c'est la vie

Me and Teresa

2012-01-11T11:36:00.000-08:00

Me and Teresa on our first road trip to California! Poor packing on my part ha ha but an excellent time.

Maria, Teresa's ((little)) sister outside Maria's house for a little Mexican carne asada y coronas. Yuum!

Barbeque'd corn - DELICIOSO!

La familla

Lupita <3

Me y Teresa at Mission Beach, in San Diego!

Frustrated; But What's New

2012-01-10T23:09:00.000-08:00

So here I am again. Frustrated as always. Ha.
I'm currently employed at Canyons Ski Resort as a lift operator. I decided that I really need to grow up (for real this time) and get a "big kid" job. This time for real. I've been submitting resumes to companies that I've found on KSL; so far I haven't heard back but it's only been a week (and about 30 minutes since I submitted the last one; what can I say, I'm impatient). I'm slightly discouraged but trying not to get to disheartened.

I'm strangely excited for 2012 though. I have 2 new loves of my life (Calliopea & Watson) and I'm just ready for my life to keep going. I'm trying not to live in the past too much and I'm doing pretty well. Telisha and I have bonded so much more and I'm so thankful for that. I love being her best friend and having her (and her family!) there for me as well.

I have another best friend, Teresa, and I love her too! I met her in Orem when I was living there and working in Duchesne. We've had some great times and continue to create awesome memories. She recently graduated from UDCH as a Dentiel Hygenist and I'm so excited for her! I know she's probably going to get a job outside of Utah, but Telisha and I are trying our hardest to keep her here ;)

Teresa has family in Yuma and LA; so, we have taken a few roadtrips to visit them! I got to go to Mexico for my first time and ended up getting stuck there! Ha yep, the only white kid there and they thought I was shady...hahaha. LA was amazing; beach times and a great adventure at Universal Studios. Not to mention I got to practice my Spanish...or rather, Spanglish.

Well, that was my little break; I'm off to apply some more!

Negativity

2012-01-04T21:53:00.000-08:00

I'm not a negative person. If I am, it's only for a few moments (okay maybe more than a few..) and then I move on and am happy (for the most part) again. Well...my best friend used to be REALLY negative. I told her that I hated it one day (I actually blew up on her) and that she wasn't any fun to be around and if she was going to be negative then to not talk around me. She has become SO much more positive and happy! She's alot more fun to be around and we have more fun and laugh more. It's awesome!

Well her sister is just as negative as my friend used to be. It is so aggravating. There is an argument to everything. It's so annoying! A commercial comes on tv and she has something negative to say about it. "That's ****ing stupid, blah blah bah." Something happens on tv, "I would never do that, blah blah swear-word blah," to which my friend retorts, "Ya you would, don't lie, blah blah, argument, blah."
I am not sure if I can't take it much longer. I try so hard to not let it affect me! I literally get a headache listening to it. It's just them growing up in a different environment than I did and in my environment negativity was not tolerated.

All I can do is not let it affect myself.
Easier said than done. *Sigh*

Deep breath.
Count to 10.
Smile...and keep going.

You cannot write the next chapter if you keep re-reading the previous one.

New Year. 2012. Let's stick to the promises I made myself.

Obsessed. With. Cleaning.

2012-01-03T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have recently become obsessed with cleaning; especially with home-made cleaning remedies. (They always seem to work better!) I recently found this website, about cleaning with vinegar and it's amazing! I'm excited to get cleaning. I just wanted to share! I'm going to try this out (especially the one about getting your cats to stop eating house plants) and follow up with results! Hopefully, they're all positive.

I watched an episode of Hoarders last night....man, it is scary! The things people hoard, and the care that they just seem to lose. I'm now worried and feel like I need to clean and throw away everything. Ha okay so not everything but the box I have of trinkets and other things I haven't bothered to organize or discard of..I need to do something with that. and I will.............eventually.

I'm slightly frustrated though, because my recent living situation has become much more complicated than it should have been..and I'm now looking for ((another)) new place to live. Right now, I'm more or less storing my clothes and belongings in someone else's storage room, and have no real room of my own. Organizing is very frustrating. :/

I'm also trying to get back into the blogging mode; I've missed it terribly! But I feel..disorganized and somewhat estranged with my new computer...we're working on it.

Oh, and Happy New Year!

2012 Yoga 21 Day Challenge

2011-12-25T19:39:00.001-08:00

http://www.yogajournal.com/21daychallenge/21daythankyou/
I'm so excited to start this! January 9th, 2012, I start my 2012 Yoga challenge...and I am so excited! I love having things to look forward too, and I can't wait to get started!

I'm Back! Yay!

2011-12-25T07:02:00.001-08:00

This post will be short and sweet: I GOT A COMPUTER FOR CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!! So I can finally blog again; I'm so excited.

Happy Holidays All!!!

Day at The Living Planet Aquarium; pt 1

2011-10-02T02:18:00.001-07:00

<p>Pictures! This was my first aquarium visit! Not counting sea world when I was eight...I'm not sure if sea world counts as an aquarium though. Anyway, I loved it! I learned a lot and got to spend time with my friend.

The trailer...worth taking a look!

2011-10-02T02:11:00.001-07:00

Watch "The Kids Are Alright Movie Trailer" on YouTube

The Kids Are Alright....aren't they?

2011-10-02T02:05:00.001-07:00

I know I haven't posted anything in FAARRR too long. My bad. Moved, then computer finally crashed after two and a half faithful years. Rip, you were loved. Anyway, I'm trying out this mobile blog app...hopefully it works!

So I can't sleep. Too much thinking going on. I need answers to the questions that have been swarming my mind for the past month now. I need more/new/different perspectives. I hope you can help me with this, it's becoming a problem. Here are my questions:
1) Opinion/thoughts/feelings on LGBT?
2) Feelings on gay marriage?
3) Do you feel that you treat LGBT different than straight people?
4) How do you feel your family and friends would react to/treat you if you were to tell them you were gay? Unreasonably? Why or why not?
5) do you think children of LGBT people will be treated fairly?

I know these are random questions but the movie "The Kids Are Alright" came on HBO a few weeks ago and it provoked these questions. Please help me find some answers and different angles...I will greatly appreciate it!!!!!!!!!

Watson...

2011-07-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

This is the newest addititon in my life....

Meet Watson.

He's pretty cute...

But he sure does sleep a lot.

You Can Sit Down and Stop Living, But Life Won't Wait For You

2011-07-24T19:06:00.000-07:00

There are so many things that have happened.
I got too behind on blogging.

I'm not sure where to start.

I know that right now, I've never felt more alone in my life....I've talked to my mom about it, and she informed me that after college life is well, kinda lonely. I've accepted that, but it doesn't make it any less lonely or sad for me. I'm doing better though.

I'm currently in the process of moving to West Valley City. I pretty much live here anyway, I'm just waiting to be able to move my big furniture (bed, dressers, piano, etc.). I now have two jobs here in WVC. I'm pretty excited about them! They're only serving positions, but I happen to genuinely love people (and food for that matter!) so serving is one of the most fun jobs, in my opinion. I don't want to be ta 56 yr old server, don't mistake me on this, but for this point in my life I think I'll be okay here. I'm not married, I'm not engaged, I'm no where near ready to "settle" down, but I'm sick of moving around...So for now I'm going to start my life here in the Salt Lake valley. I'm excited to meet new people and live up here! It's exciting!

First Scentsy party this Wednesday....I hope that it goes well! Eeek! Nervous!

For the not so exciting part of growing up, one of the things that happen is the loss of friendships. I'm currently going through that right now. I'm not going to go into too much detail, even though part of me wants to say every single thing on my mind about this situation, however I simply can't be bothered with it. I don't have the time or energy to waste thinking about how much I'm mad and angry...I simply don't have time or energy to be mad. I can accomplish so many other things than be angry. So, all I'm going to say is that this is a difficult time, and instead of being mad, I get sad occasionally, and it's most definitely hard....but life goes on. And where it's going right now, is in a pretty great direction.

I mention couponing: First couponing experience is happening tonight. I'll let you know how it goes!

Well, What Can I Say...

2011-07-16T13:57:00.000-07:00

I know. I've been gone far too long.
Updates: I've been unemployed for about 3-6 weeks (I can't keep track)....and just got a job as a server at a sushi restaurant, so that's good.

I'm now a Scentsy Consultant, and that's mainly what this post is about (lame-ish I know, I'll get a better post soon)

So anyway! I guess that Scentsy is new to the UK, and my mom called me to ask and see how I felt about becoming a consultant with her. Sure, no big deal, it'll be fun..that's what I told her. So here I am! Now a USA Scentsy consultant. I'm hoping that I'll do well! I'm slightly nervous, but not too much. Mostly I'm worried that people already have consultants who m they prefer! Maybe I can change a few minds.

I have my own website, check it out! It's kinda snazzy! There are still the spring/summer scents out there, and the Scentsy warmer of the month is super cute! ------>
It's mid-sized so it doesn't take up tons of room.

I also have samples of all of the scents, so if you're uncertain if you'll really enjoy the scent you want you can check it out and make sure you're getting what you want!

I have catalogs and order forms. If anyone is interested in hosting a Scentsy party please let me know and we can start getting things planned!!

I'm really excited for my mini-business to start, and I hope that all my friends and family will support me! Please let me know if you have any questions about anything!

I'm also having my Scentsy Launch Party, and I would love for all of you to be there! (There will be free food/refreshments...so even if you don't want/like anything, come for that! It'll be delicious.)
It will be on Wednesday, July 27, 2011 @ 6:30 P.M. Address is 83 East 1820 South, Orem Ut 84058. I hope to see you there!!!

Extreme Couponing...Approving Hoarding?

2011-06-16T13:34:00.000-07:00

So I've become slightly obsessed with the TLC show Extreme Couponing. I watch it every Wednesday night...not quite religiously, but I enjoy it enough to watch it for a few hours. I've developed an interest in couponing, and have recently subscribed to a few newspapers in order to get the weekly inserts and coupons. I've looked up coupon websites and even follow few couponing blogs. Have I actually clipped any physical coupons yet? No, I haven't. That's very time consuming and I haven't any ink for my printer at the moment. I mentioned to my dear friend Celeste, and she told me her opinion that while saving money is nice and an admirable effort, a lot of these people are hoarders. The next time I watched it, I understood her point of view.

Now I think it's important to have a little food storage and things like that in order to be prepared for things like natural disaster, job loss, or a bad economy...however, I think that 79 bottles of laundry detergent, 63 bottles of mustard and 134 boxes of couscous is a little over the top....Okay, extremely over the top! So I've been debating about my new interest in becoming a couponer -- not an extreme couponer, just a regular one. After all, I don't have a family I need to provide for, I don't have the time to make four trips to the supermarket(s) during the week, enough money to subscribe to four or five newspapers, and there's the task of separating inserts and coupon clipping. This is all very times consuming. Yes I have the storage space necessary, but I can't justify buying even 5 bottles of mustard just bc they're free. I just can't!
Unless.....
....One couponer would give/donate 80% of his "findings" (aka groceries) to food banks, homeless shelters, and charities. I find this very admirable. I wouldn't mind putting food baskets together, maybe giving some to people in my ward/neighborhood who are in need and to food banks. I would really enjoy that! So maybe I do stand a chance? I've asked my dear friend Raquel (mentioned you again!) if she's interested in couponing with me and she is! Yay! Friend time! Look ma, I'm being thrifty! Saving! Aren't you so proud!?!!....What's that? You think it's silly to coupon? Pshh, you don't know. (ha ha! jk, my mom didn't say that. I did talk to her about this and express my concerns and goals and blah blah and she agrees that couponing is a nice way to save but be reasonable about it. [she's always telling me to be reeeeaaaaaasonable, and I tell her that i'm always reasonable {"But mom, these shoes ~~were buy one get one half off how could i resist~~ I needed, my others have holes...} see ? Reasonable. Ooobviously.])

Now that we're back from that little tanget, I'm asking you fellow bloggers, readers, peoples, what is your opinion of couponing? Extreme couponing? Is it justifiable? Is it really worth it? Or are people these days simply bored and trying to find a "constructive" way to spend their time???
Fill me with your thoughts, ideas, knowlege!

Good Songs of The Day

2011-06-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

"Miracle"

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive
So I'm going to start over tonight
Beginning with you and I
When this memory fades
I'm gonna make sure it's replaced
With chances taken
Hope embraced
and have I told you?

I'm not going
cause I've been waiting for a miracle
And I'm not leaving
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
When it might save you

We've learned to run from
Anything uncomfortable
We've tied our pain below and no one ever has to know
That inside we're broken
I try to patch things up again
To calm my tears and kill these fears
But have I told you, have I?

I'm not going
Cause I've been waiting for a miracle
And I'm not leaving
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
When it might save you

It's not faith if, if you use your eyes
Oh why
We'll get it right this time (this time)
Let's leave this all behind
Oh why
We'll get it right this time
It's not faith if you're using your eyes
Oh why

I've gone for too long living like I'm not alive
So I'm going to start over tonight
Beginning with you and

I don't want to run from anything uncomfortable
I just want, no
I just need this pain to end right here

I'm not going
Cause I've been waiting for a miracle
And I'm not leaving
I won't let you
Let you give up on a miracle
Cause it might save you

Yeah, it might save you
Oh, it might save you

It's not faith if, if you use your eyes
If you use your eyes
If you use your eyes

"Playing God"

Can't make my own decisions
Or make any with precision
Well maybe you should tie me up
So I don't go where you don't want me

You say that I been changing
that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game you're playing
Well we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely
To be the only one who's holy

It's just my humble opinion
But it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view
If the only thing you see is you

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret
I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror

"Brighter"

So this is how it goes
Well I, I would have never known
And if it ends today
Well I'll still say that you shine brighter than anyone

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

Well this is not your fault
But if I'm without you
Then I will feel so small
And if you have to go
Well always know that you shine brighter than anyone does.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

If you run away now,
Will you come back around?
And if you ran away,
I'd still wave goodbye
Watching you shine bright.

Now I think we're taking this too far
Don't you know that it's not this hard?
Well it's not this hard
But if you take what's yours and I take mine
Must we go there?
Please not this time. No, not this time.

I'll wave goodbye (You shine bright)
Watching you shine bright (You shine bright)
I'll wave goodbye tonight (You shine bright)

"I Caught Myself"

Down to you
You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought of you of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No, I don't know what I want

You got it you got it
Some kind of magic
Hypnotic hypnotic
You're leaving me breathless
I hate this I hate this
You're not the one I believe in
With God as my witness

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
From saying something
That I should've never thought of you of you

You're pushing and pulling me down to you
But I don't know what I want
No, I don't know what I want

Don't know what I want
But I know it's not you
Keep pushing and pulling me down
When I know in my heart it's not you

Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
I'm saying something
That I should've never thought
Now when I caught myself
I had to stop myself
I'm saying something
That I should've never thought of you

I knew, I know in my heart it's not you
I knew, but now I know what I want, I want, I want
Oh no, I've should have never thought

"Feeling Sorry"

We still live the same town, well don't we?
But I don't see you around anymore.
I go to all the same places
Not even a trace of you.
Your days are numbered at 24.

And I'm getting bored waiting 'round for you.
We're not getting any younger.
And I won't look back 'cause there's no use.
Its time to move forward.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

Well I try not to think of what might happen.
When your reality it finally cuts through.
Well as for me I got out and I'm on the road.
The worst part is that this, this could be you.

You know it too.
You can't run from your shame.
You're not getting any younger.
Time keeps passing by
But you wave it away.
Its time to roll over.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

And all the best lies
they are told with fingers tied.
So cross 'em tight.
Won't you promise me tonight.
If its the last thing you do
you'll get out.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

I feel no sympathy.
You live inside a cave.
You barely get by, the rest of us are trying.
There's no need to apologize
I've got no time.
I've got no time for feeling sorry.

Maybe I Can Do This On My Own One Day

2011-05-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Whenever I get sad, I really miss my mom and my grandma. Really bad. I just get teary eyed and want to go home and sit by my mom as she listens to me cry and tells me things get better and that Grandma is with me always.

I miss going to Gma's and playing the mini grand and having her tell me about her days and her life stories.

But, Gma isn't here anymore, and I'd have to drive an hour and fly 10 hours and drive another hour to see my mom, so I'll just settle for sitting and listening to depressing music for now.

I'm Really Happy, Even Though I Feel Left Out

2011-05-20T10:34:00.000-07:00

I was recently facebook/blog stalking a few friends, and a lot of them are pregnant. Yay! (we all know how I feel about babies and pregnancy) I'm not feeling better or cynical, I promise. I'm excited for them to go through this special time with their families, husbands, friends, and most importantly with themselves and that little babe.

Also as you all know, quite a lot of my friends are marred (sometimes I like to use this word instead of the real one, "married", because it brings humor to my life. let it happen). I haven't ever felt left out by NOT being marred, just by not having a significant other (which may soon change....?!!?) -- I don't feel nearly as left out/sad about the single status, btw, as I stated in a few posts previous, really just happy and excited for life and my amigas and their lovies -- and I feel like I have pretty cool marred friends. I like them and their husbands (mostly; and if you think it's your hubbers, don't stress it probably isn't...also don't ask bc I will lie to you. But really, there are only a few and I don't hate them) and usually do stuff with both of them when we can!
[Raquel! If you're reading this, I STILL am laughing about our excursion to Happy Sumo... "Wifen!" ha ha ha aha ha h ha haaaa!]

Well...being pregnant isn't something I can relate with at all. I feel...left out. I can usually relate to a lot of people, and i mean a lot, but here I just feel so......left out. I don't say that to make you feel sorry for me, no no no, that is not the intention. It's just this feeling is a feeling that I've rarely had, as stuck up as that sounds it's pretty true.

I hope that my friends will post about their experiences, or tell me about them. I'm not asking for the usual details, but maybe like a really unique emotional experience...something like that anyway. I think - and if you tell anyone this i'll probably deny it at first - it's kind of interesting. It still freaks me out that the baby moves inside you, but hey i'll probably freak out forever.

This post is so disorganized! Ah! Too much highly caffeinated coffee.

I Don't Know What's Happening to Me; I Don't Know If I Like It.

2011-05-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

So, ever since last August I learned how to cry. Really cry. And more importantly I learned how to not be ashamed of crying. It's okay to cry, it's natural to cry, you need to cry.

Well, I think my subconscious self has taken it a little too much to heart. Because I've been crying about what seem like the silliest things to cry about. What things are those you ask? Well my dear friends, come a long with me and I will tell you!
I'll make it a list, because lists are fantastic. (Don't deny it, you know they are)

The APSCA commercials, you know, where Sarah McLachlan sings "In The Arms of An Angel" and the sweet dear animals are bandaged, some are caged, some look downright depressed, others look so happy to be alive. You want to change the channel but you just can't. You're suckered in. They ask for money, but you know you don't have enough to give, even though you want to. This commercial makes me cry every time I can't help it. It makes me want to just help animals everywhere.
The news .Yeah, you read correctly. The freaking news. I just get so sad seeing all the war and hatred in the world. Maybe it's silly but it just makes my heart bleed (figuratively speaking).
People in other countries who can't make ends meet
Homeless people.
Orphans
When someone dies
Glee (did you see the latest episode?? I bawled)
Hospitals
I miss my Gma :(
Animal cruelty
Mississippi flood
All the tornadoes that happened
Japan and the tsunami/earthquake effects
Car accidents

Yeah, all these things make my eyes well up with tears. I mean obviously not right away, but it happens and sometimes it's worse than others. I've created a monster out of myself.

I don't know if I like it.

Or do I?

What Can I Do..? I Mean Really, What Can I Do? Let's See.

2011-05-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

So I just posted about how I'm ready to leave Utah. Due to the size of the United States, it's been quite a lot of thinking about where would be best. I don't want the states I haven't considered to feel bad. (Yeah, I know, corny, but somewhat true).

As I'm sure you've all heard about the tragedy that struck in Mississippi and surrounding areas; crazy flooding. (Just on a nerdy tangent - I was watching the Weather Channel this week and the only other major flood in the Mississippi area was in 1927, and this flood changed the segregation of slaves/blacks and whites. If you're interested you should read more about it here, it's pretty interesting!) Anyway, while watching this I thought to myself,

"Hey self, you wanna move outta Utah? Why not go help out with flood relief?! That would be a fun experience and you could maybe meet your real dad and siblings...but mostly help out with the flood relief..."

So I googled some information and actually found some, got in contact with someone and am now waiting to hear back from them! I'm excited for whatever happens!

But I'm not sure how I'll do down there in "Ole Miss".....
Culture change, here I come.

If you're interested in learning about how you can help with flood efforts in Mississippi and surrounding areas, go to this website.

If you're interested in other volunteer efforts both national and internation, this part of the website should help you.

Hmmm, Where To Go

2011-05-18T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I want to move out of Utah. Unfortunately, there really isn't much here for me anymore. I am quite bored of it. I'm not getting married anytime soon, and I'm not looking to get married. Utah bores me :(...which is sad bc I LOVE Utah. It's the most gorgeous state! I'll fight anyone to the death who argues otherwise! But alas; it's beauty is simply not enough to keep me here anymore.

So I have decided upon 3 states where I'd like to live:

1) Arizona.

- I was born in Arizona, and lived there in the summers a few times and LOVED it! I simply can't get enough of the blistering heat! 80 degrees at night, 110 in the day, like a blow dryer to the FACE! aaaaah, just thinking about it now makes me long for it. Also, I'd love to go to ASU Law; Sandra Day O-Conner school of Law? Yes please!

2) California - It is also a beautiful state. I love the ocean, and if I moved there, I think I would be a yoga instructor and surf everyday that I could :) Also, this boy I really have grown quite fond of lives there, so....maybe a romance would blossom! :]. Plus, wine country!

3) Chicago. - Okay, I know Chicago isn't techinically a state, but if I say "Illinois" that just sounds lame. I visited Chicago when my friend Celeste lived around there, and as a country girl I hate to admit it, but I LOVED that city! I would totally go back and I've also considered Law School there.

Right now Arizona is getting my biggest vote, with Chicago a close second and Cali coming in third (Sorry California, your cost of living is just ridiculously high!)

What do you think?

Hmmm...where should I go!?

I Never Thought THIS Would Happen....

2011-05-11T11:04:00.000-07:00

For those of you who personally know me, you (most likely) know that: A) I'm an only child & B) I have never met my biological father.

The whole story is slightly complicated and occasionally dramatic, because let's be honest, when am I not dramatic about something? Anyway, he did try to contact me twice. Okay, you need to know that my mom asked him not to be in our lives, so it wasn't like he was running away from responsibility or his kid or whatever. My mom told me when I was 13, and when I was 16 she informed me that he had contacted her and was wondering about me, how I was, all that jazz. She told me that if I wanted to, I could write him a letter and maybe talk to me - only if I wanted to. I thought I maybe might want to, so I wrote a letter......

...of which I had no clue what to say ~~without being super psycho angry confused teenager~~ and it eventually ended up in an old forgotten notebook under my bed somewhere.

I was 18 (maybe 17...I can't recall) when she informed me that my biological father was living in Cedar City, UT....where I was scheduled to be attending Southern Utah University for the next 3 years. She told me that she thought I deserved to know he was there, in case I passed him on the street or in the store or something. Did I want to contact him and maybe meet him? I wasn't sure. The feeling made me feel weird, all light-headed and wobbly and stuff. Too much stress for my fragile 18/17 yr old nervous system. For the first week or so it was all I could think or talk about....but eventually the thought fell by the wayside and I was too caught up in graduating high school, my last summer in Sevier County and friends.

So...I never met him. Or talked to him.

Was I mad? At first. Especially from 13-17. Four years of quite a bit of anger. Questions. Questions I cried and cried to my friends and mother about for hours. My darling mother, bless her heart, helped me through a lot. My friends helped me through the rest, and through the anger at my mom (I was a teenager, angry at everyone at some point. What do you want from me?!).

My grandmother, when she was still alive, was very into genealogy and had done extensive research and journaling dating back quite a few generations. It was really interesting to see where our family came from. Not only did she do her family, she also researched my grandpa's family, so we were able to follow the line back quite a ways. She did this for her own enjoyment and records, but also to baptize those members in her family who had passed away and were not part of the LDS church. It was a fun and interesting thing to do with the grandparents. My younger cousin Shelby thought it would be fun and challenging to do the genealogy work on her mother's side, since her dad's side was (pretty much) completed. I was pretty jealous that she had the opportunity to know that side of her family and to be able to research her ancestors. This then made me want to know about my ancestors, especially those on my biological father's side. I attempted, at first with gusto, to find him. I knew his name, his birthdate and what state he was born in, wasn't that enough? After numerous failed attempts, I kept trying, this time half heartedly. If I hadn't already found him, what would change now?

The last time I tried to find him was about six months ago.

For my job, there are times when we are required to find people in order to know if they are alive or deceased. Because of this, my employer is registered with an online research program. One day at work, I had an idea (by one day, I mean last Thursday....June 5..) to look for my biological father. I tried, and had no success. So I tried a few mores sites, and I found a potential phone number. I took it down, took a deep breath and dialed it. "I'm sorry, this number is not a working number. Please check the number and dial again."

My heart sank. Of course I wouldn't be able to find him. What makes it any different than before? However....This time I wasn't deterred so easily. I tried another site, and found another potential number. I took it down, but decided to wait to call it.

After work, I called the number and a woman's voice answered on the other line.

"Hello?

-"Um, hi....is Chris James Baldwin* there?"

"No, he's not...can I take a message?"

-"Is there a better time when I can call back?"

"No...."

-"Or a different number?"

"No..is this the number you have for him? Because he doesn't live here anymore. This is his ex wife.."

-"Oh I'm so sorry, but...Um, this is kind of strange, but um, this is his daughter and I think maybe I might want to meet him."

"Oh no problem honey. What's your name, and I'll give him a call and have him call ya back."

So, kind of a rocky and awkward start. But the lady on the other line was really nice to me, so I wasn't upset. I thought that she might not call him, and if she did he might not call back, so it was best not to get my hopes up.

Later that night, a bunch of girls from work went out to celebrate Cinco De Mayo. It was around 9 o'clock at night, when I recieved a call from a strange number. I stepped outside to answer it.

"Hello?"-"Hello, McKel?""Yes...?"-"This is Chris James Baldwin. Your father."

You can imagine my surprise. And shock. A lot of shock. Still shocked right now, as I recall the whole event. It hasn't even been a week yet!

Anyway, I won't bore you with the entire conversation, but he was very nice. We were both nervous, and he was very welcoming, loving and excited that I had called him. He sent me a picture of himself, and of my three siblings and two nephews. He sent me pictures of his animals in Missouri. He wants me to visit him, but he doesn't want to overstep his bounds and scare me away. He asked me if I wanted to be Facebook friends with his current girlfriend (I said yes). He informed me that he told his oldest kid, my older brother Joe*, about my phone call, and that Joe was very excited as well, and would it be okay if he gave Joe my number because Joe wanted to get to know me too. Yes, that was fine.

He has called and texted me every day since. Joe called me, and texts me often. Both want to know how I'm doing, and when I'm going to visit.

This is where the story gets crazy.
I have a younger sister, who is going to be 9 soon. She lives in Cedar City, UT. I lived in Cedar for 3 years...had I ever met her?? Chris told me about her, her half siblings that her mother had had in a previous marriage, and about her mother, who owns a salon in Cedar. I was driving to Cedar last Friday for my best friend Jayson's college graduation (and mostly to see his adorable parents again)....would she maybe want to meet me? I texted Chris about it, to see what he thought. He called me to tell me that yes she would love to, and gave me the contact information.

I was thinking about all of this....I had a friend who worked in a salon in Cedar; she had been the only one to do my hair for the entire 3 years that I was in Cedar. I called up my friend Sonya* and asked her if a lady by this name worked there...yes...did she have three kids...yes...were these their names...yes, why...because I've never met my biological father and I think that the youngest and I might have the same father....who's your father....CJ Baldwin...shut up! this is such a small town!

So, it turns out that I knew my younger sisters's mother; she was the one to first cut my hair short when I moved to Cedar. So I might have met my younger sister and not even had a clue.

Trish* was very nice and polite about me wanting to meet Melanie*. I met them at their house, and little Melanie was outside waiting for me. She had made a sign that said, "Welcome McKel!!!" for me, and made me some grape koolaid. I had met Trish before! Crazy! I was glad though; it wasn't as awkward as it could have been.
I spent about 45 minutes at Melanie's, looking at pictures of "papa" and his house in Missouri from her trips their. She informed me that she too rides horses, and she also LOVES to read. She also told me that she was going to visit papa for a whole summer! Flying all by herself. Trish told me that her other two kids were flying out to Missouri later in the summer, because CJ had been like a father to them and they loved him very much. She told me that if I wanted to fly with them, so I wasn't flying alone and so it wasn't too overwhelming, that I was more than welcome to and she would let me know the dates. She also told me that she was glad Melanie and I finally met, and if I wanted to come spend time with her more often, it was no problem and we could set up times.

She told me something that sort of freaked her out; a few weeks before I had found CJ, Melanie had been mentioning me to her mom. She was wondering if she would ever meet me, and where was I. Trish thought it very odd and peculiar that only a few days/weeks previous Melanie was mentioning me and then the phone call from CJ wondering if Melanie wanted to meet me. Coincidences!

I guess that CJ had told his other children that they had a half sister in Utah, named McKel. I had no idea that they knew about me. I hadn't thought that he might tell them about me. I knew vaguely about them, but nothing detailed. I guess it just shocked me that they were wondering about me.

Melanie & Myself

There she is! Cute little kid. It's just all so strange and crazy still! I'm still in shock.

I never thought THIS would happen..

*I have changed the names of these people, mostly because idk how I feel about telling everyone yet, and idk how they feel about my posting this blog. Mostly for me though, ha ha.

Real Life Is Actually A Fairy Tale...Even Though Sometimes It's More Like Excerpts From Edgar Allen Poe

2011-05-04T14:21:00.000-07:00

Even though I myself am not in a relationship, only about 7.bazillion of my friends/acquaintances/family are. Small number, right? Don't worry, I thought so too. Anyway, a result of them being in said relationships, they post a lot of pictures, stories, blog posts, etc. about their adventures, and their lives, etc. (Yeah, I just used "etc." twice in a sentence. Three times now. That just happened.) Most of them are cute stories, and "Aww my lovebug is so sweet, he loves me so much" "My pookey bear treats me so well" "My sugar muffin bought me flowers for no reason! I love him so much!" and you probably know how the rest of them go. All of which end in "I'm the luckiest girl in the world!"

Now, hold your horses. You think that this post is about me being cynical and mean and telling you all why I hate nicknames for lovers and why mushy lovey dovey stuff makes me vomit in my mouth a little, don't you? Aha! I have you fooled already! You think you know me so well, tsk tsk. Think again!This post is in fact NOT about that. It really is about how real life is actually a fairy tale. Surprised? As you should be.

While reading these previously mentioned stories, sometimes yes, I do crinkle my nose and furrow my brow in cynicism with a hint of disgust. ~~Usually~~ Only sometimes though! I was reading one today in which the author listed things why her sweet baby cheeks was the best in the whole world, and why she was the luckiest girl in the world. I've noticed a pattern with these stories (aside from the endings and love part, don't be a stickler). The patter is that each "lovemuffin" does things particular to/for their girl. When she's sick, he knows she wants chick flicks and tomato soup. When she's depressed, obviously her favorite soda/beverage and her favorite candy bar will (mostly) cheer her right up! Feeling fat? You don't look fat in the slightest, honey!

Now, those were just generic examples of what I'm trying to say. More specific things (yes, I'm using your real life events and feelings here, friends....love you!) like:

Taking pictures with your love even though you hate pictures
Waiting for hours while she tries on clothes and only ends up buying ONE ~~stupid~~ beautiful shirt
Sitting through ABC Family's Harry Potter marathon all weekend, even though you haven't read the books and seen any movie past the 3rd one
Buying overpriced flowers just to see her smile
Cuddling all night, when you'd rather just ~~get it on~~ kiss all night
Listen to her gossip about so-and-so and actually participating
Watching scary movies with her, when you're terrified and hate them
Taking her out to sushi, even though you think it's disgusting

Things like that are what make real life a fairy tale.

So, I'm like reading these stories and stuff (hahaha), and I just got really happy and kindof, well, gushy ! I thought,

"How fantastic is it that these girls have such great significant others? They can laugh and love and cry and fight with them...and they know the little idiosyncrasies that make each other tick. What fairy tales they live in! In real life!"

I'm so happy that my friends/family/acquaintances have found their "prince charming" (even though instead of putting his dirty clothes in the hamper he leaves them 2 ft from it, and his bathroom hygiene grosses you out) and that they are living their very own fairy tale! I really, truly am.

Each story, no matter how redundant, gives me hope and happiness that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll find mine.

Now, obviously, real life isn't always a fairy tale...it can be more like an excerpt from Edgar Allen Poe's super extremely depressing poetry. But I would just like to point out that there are more fairy tales and disney movies than there are Edgar Allen Poe stories.

I would like to thank those friends of mine who share their "why i love him", "why i'm the luckiest girl ever" stories and their happy moments with me, whether it be via facebook, twitter, blogger, wordpress, text (you think you can hide your lives? Think again!) because I LOVE THEM. I appreciate that you ladies out there (sadly I have yet to find a male friend who is super into blogging...not including Didactric Pirate and BetaDad..but I don't personally know them) who share your happiness with the world and myself.

Like I said two sentences up, each story, no matter how redundant, gives me hope and happiness that maybe, just maybe, one day I'll find mine.<3

A Quick Vent & My Disappointment With People

2011-05-02T09:46:00.000-07:00

Osama bin Laden is dead. So they say. I'm not entirely certain. I haven't read many articles (yet) about the story, but according to the almost ~~always~~ accurate Facebook posts, it seems that his body was discovered in Pakistan, then his body was dumped off into the ocean en route to America for DNA testing? Like I said, I'm not entirely certain, but I'll research it later and post up about it then.

For right now, I just need to express my deep sadness and disappointment in the American people. Maybe I'm just a nerd, or a girl living with her head in the clouds unable to see corruption, but hearing people, American people, my friends, saying that 'the American government is a joke' and that people all over the world will be laughing at Americans for believing their government and the news...it seriously makes my heart just ache. When did we become so doubtful of our government? I know that politicians and our government is far from perfect, and I am aware that there is corruption and scandals in our political system..but nothing is perfect. I believe that our government and our political system is a lot better than others; most of the other world governments! We are free. We have choices. How many of these people who are calling our government "BS" and a joke have been to other countries and had to live under the rule and reign of political leaders? It's a slap in the face. Wake up, kids. We have it so good here. It just kills me that so many people are taking it for granted and saying how horrible it is, and making a mockery of it.

Some will argue that, "They say we're free, but we really have no say in our government," and "The electoral college is the deciding factor of who wins, not me, so why should I participate," sometimes even, "they just make up so much crap for us to hear and believe, the leaders just make decisions and don't tell us, they're too corrupt"....which may be the case. However, I find it too difficult to believe that our government is plotting against us, against our nation, and setting out to destroy us. Maybe I'm just more of the "glass half full" type of person. Maybe I'm living with my eyes wide shut. But I do believe that our leaders and our government are doing what's best for our nation Which isn't always easy, especially with the factor of other people and other governments trying to influence and sway them/us in so many ways.

I hope that I'm not living with high expectations, or with my head in the clouds. I am just so very much disappointed and have a huge heartache for my fellow citizens, that they think so lowly of the government. What have they/you done for our country? Have you served in our military? Been sent overseas for foreign relations? Been a member of the United Nations? Ran for office? Why are you/they saying what a sham and joke the government is when they themselves/you yourself have done nothing to improve it?

Your actions speak louder than words, and right now, your lack of action is screaming at me.

Let America Be America Again

2011-04-29T12:09:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this poem today, and thought it was very beautiful, so I shared. Hope you enjoy!

Let America Be America Again

by Langston Hughes

Let America be America again.

Let it be the dream it used to be.

Let it be the pioneer on the plain

Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--

Let it be that great strong land of love

Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme

That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty

Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,

But opportunity is real, and life is free,

Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,

Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?

And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,

I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.

I am the red man driven from the land,

I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--

And finding only the same old stupid plan

Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,

Tangled in that ancient endless chain

Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!

Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!

Of work the men! Of take the pay!

Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.

I am the worker sold to the machine.

I am the Negro, servant to you all.

I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--

Hungry yet today despite the dream.

Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!

I am the man who never got ahead,

The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream

In the Old World while still a serf of kings,

Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,

That even yet its mighty daring sings

In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned

That's made America the land it has become.

O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas

In search of what I meant to be my home--

For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,

And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,

And torn from Black Africa's strand I came

To build a "homeland of the free."

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?

Surely not me? The millions on relief today?

The millions shot down when we strike?

The millions who have nothing for our pay?

For all the dreams we've dreamed

And all the songs we've sung

And all the hopes we've held

And all the flags we've hung,

The millions who have nothing for our pay--

Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--

The land that never has been yet--

And yet must be--the land where every man is free.

The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--

Who made America,

Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,

Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,

Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--

The steel of freedom does not stain.

From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,

We must take back our land again,

America!

O, yes,

I say it plain,

America never was America to me,

And yet I swear this oath--

America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,

The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,

We, the people, must redeem

The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.

The mountains and the endless plain--

All, all the stretch of these great green states--

And make America again!

My OCD Theory

2011-04-22T23:21:00.000-07:00

So...I've been told that I'm "very OCD" or have "OCD tendencies." (For those of you who don't know, OCD means Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you can learn more about it at this mostly accurate website. :] ) Sometimes when I'm in public, or even in my home, I think about all of the nasty germs everywhere, on every surface....railings, tables, doorknobs, my cell phone, toilet handles, my keys, bathroom sicks, and I get really paranoid. I have about 3 antibacterial hand sanitizers (super cute ones from Bath & Body, you should check them out!), as well as Germ-X antibacterial hand wipes. I feel almost...enslaved, if you will. Everywhere, there are these thoughts of all of these germs and it seriously, honestly grosses me out. It stresses me out, and on the occasion I feel that I can't touch anything. I literally need a hand wipey, or a paper towel to open doors or touch railings.

However...

I can't help but think this is all a scam! That me believing that I posses obsessive compulsive disorders is just a gianormous scam! I mean, think about it. For the past 19 1/2 years, I haven't been using these germ killing sanitizers as religiously as I do now (and for the past year or so) and I've been fine. Yeah, I have had the occasional cold, but never the flu, or never pneumonia or any other serious illness....so why now do I feel the need to buy all my cleaning products that are 99% germ killing? Why do I not even hesitate to buy Germ-X wipes? Or Bath & Body's super cute and delicious smelling pocetbacs? Hmmm? I don't know. I feel like I am being tricked...but also...I feel that sometimes my fear is legitimate.

I'm now trying to find my balance between good hygiene and borderline crazy behavior.

Wish me luck.

The ABC's of Me; Stolen from Liz :)

2011-04-13T12:42:00.000-07:00

Age: 22

Bed size: Queen

Chore you hate: Taking out the trash. Bitter childhood memories. I HATE it.

Dogs: I love them! I miss my dogs that I grew up with :(

Essential start of your day: Stretching. ALWAYS.

Favorite color: Blue!

Gold or silver: Silverrr.

Height: 5'7"

Instruments I play (or have played):Clarient, flute, Piano, french horn, percussion, contra clarinet, alto saxophone

Job title: Independent Landman

Kids: Are gross!

Live: love, Laugh :)

Nickname: McKelio, Mac, Macdeezy, Mikey, Mick, Goob,

Overnight hospital stays: I was 8, and my cousin was the worst babysitter ever, and i burned my hand on a redhot stove. :/

Pet peeve: Incorrect grammar, rude people.

Quote from a movie: "Her candles smell AWESOME!" -Jack, hahaha!

Right or left handed: Ambidexterous!

Siblings: I'm the only :)

Underwear: Is probably my favorite article of clothing.

Vegetables you dislike: Yams. Sick.

What makes you run late: I always think I have more time than I really do.

X-rays you've had done: Teeth.

Yummy food you make: Chicken enchiladas, sqaush & thyme...lots of things! I love cooking :)

Zoo animal: PENGUINS & PANDAS!!

But It's Cute! And Free!

2011-04-12T15:32:00.000-07:00

Isn't she adorable?!?!

Love it!

2011-04-04T08:28:00.000-07:00

This song is currently my favorite!
Not sure why. Just love her voice!

I'm Not Sure Why I Thought That You'd Be Any Different

2011-04-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

**WARNING!!*
This post is very personal and may be considered offensive to some

Well, my first thought is that I probably should work on better post titles....they're mostly quite obvious. I'll work on being more clever, first thing.

Anyway, I'm just ranting.
About a boy.

But I'm not as mad as I should be? Or thought I would be?? I'm not sure.
Anyway.
So.

This boy called and wanted to hang out, and in the back of my mind I sort of knew that he was one of those guys who wanted one thing...or thought he could get it or expected it? I'm not sure. Anyway, we hung out bc why not see if I was just being bitter and cynical? Give him the benefit of the doubt...so I did. We went to his apt - sign #1 that I was right. But hey he lives in BYU approved housing so maybe not? We played some video games, then decided to watch netflix (I LOVE netflix <3)....when I lost at rock paper scissors, he said, "you owe me a massage" - sign #2 that I was right. Slightly irritated, I said, "Oh I don't know how!" ---sidenote, I LOVE giving massages. My best friend Jayson and I used to give each other massages all the time, and if any of my friends ask I am usually more than willing to give them; I'm not sure why i love them, but I do.---- blatently lying to him, just to see what he would say. Which was, "That's okay, do your best." Um, awesome. So I continue to give him one of the worst massages in my history of massages..which ended up being not so terrible as I had tried to make it.

Now, we all know I am NOT a cuddler....don't touch me. Well guy is kindof cuddling, tickling my arm - which I did not ask for, btw. I asked him, "Aw, you're a cuddler are ya??" TO which he replied, "Not usually" sign #3 that I am quite accurate with my thoughts.

Sign #4 that I was right: He was "so so tired" but he wanted to hang out? Really? You're borderline exhausted yet you want to watch a movie? How stupid do you think I am??

Now, I'm not an idiot. I know what ((most)) boys want and how they go about getting what they want. Uh, news flash guy! Telling me how "hot" I am, or attractive I am to you doesn't make me want to "do you." I mean, thank you for the compliment, IF you're even sincere at all, but you're not "getting into my pants" as they say. And I think that the cheesy attempts are funny. I laugh at them. I'll make it as awkward as i possibly can to humor myself. I'll say outrageous things, just to see how you'll react. I'm not you're typical, insecure, attention-deprived girl (not saying that you ladies reading this are)...and once again I repeat, I'm not an idiot. Yeah, I'm insecure and have doubts and could use some (alot) of work on my self esteem, but you're not the one who's going to be the one to boost that. That job is really up to me.

Alright, so we kiss a little (...i know i know..) and after a while he whispers in my ear, "I wanna have sex with you." Um, EXCUSE me???? What did I do or say to make you even THINK that that's why we're hanging out?! Now to this I replied, "That's nice....but no. We're not having sex." I mean, thanks? But it's not happening. He respects that --for now-- and we continue to watch the movie with a few kisses here and there. Well, once again he throws out the "you're so sexy, I'm so attracted to you" bull hunky and mentions sex again.....UH-GAIN??? Okay, guy. I was right. So. Here you go. "Nope. You live in BYU housing anyway! So, take me home since you're so tired."

On the way home he's talking about before he gets deployed....and I start laughing. "what?" is his response....to which i laugh some more then say, "I just thought of something mean" and he badgered me to tell him, which was this: "Tryin' to get some before you're deployed eh???" followed by laughter. "Coldhearted!" he says to me, and I reply with, "So?" Why should I even treat you with ANY respect right now?? Tell me that, and maybe I'll be nice to you.

We get to my house and he says, "Can I call you tomorrow?" and I say sure, knowing that he's not going to call, and he's like, "Okay, I'll call you tomorrow." It's one thing to say "I'll text you tomorrow, or call me tomorrow, or i'll try to call you, i'm really busy, etc." But when you SAY that you WILL call, you had better call.....which he didn't.
I was irritated...kindof.
I mostly was indifferent.
Laughing at his ridiculous behavior, knowing that he acted like a fool and I knew it.
Sad that there are guys like that.
Glad that I'm strong and have changed so much and feel better about myself.

But I am mad that for some reason, there was even an inkling that you might maybe just be different.

Normally I would be MAD and ANGRY and hate guys....

...but this time I say,

"It happens. I was right, and that's too bad. But It's a beautiful day, I'm alright, I'm happy and I'm thankful for the days."

p.s. maybe i AM an idiot, for even staying as long as i did knowing what i knew....but what can one do..

Random Tuesday: Keep Your Chin Up

2011-03-29T17:08:00.000-07:00

Well well well. How long it has been! And for this I apologize. I just got a new job (YAY!) however, it requires me to travel and stay in a hotel room during the week, of which it sadly has no wifi or internet of any sort. So I have to take it where I can get it!

First off, the new job ROCKS. Besides the location. I like the work, and the people.
I got a place! I can now say that my "home" is in Orem, UT. YAY! I don't have hardly anything there yet, but I'm excited to move stuff into it this weekend.

I am now 22. Deuces! Great birthday! My mother is amazing, and continues to surprise me with how much she loves me. She had flowers delivered to my office and a parcel of macaroons (my FAVORITE dessert from England/France) ON MY BIRTHDAY. She's incredible, I know. How'd I luck out?

I've been struggling though with the past...just missing people, ex boyfriends, struggling with friends...it's been a roller coaster so far...but things will get better they always do! :)

I've been talking to someone who wasn't so close to me at first but after a few days of texting we've grown closer.....and I have to admit feelings are being developed....which is like ah! Scary! but at the same time I can't deny or hide that smile or those butterflies when I recieve a message from him. :)

alright.
i'm hungry.
peace.

Reminiscing is actually bad for you, p.s.

2011-03-29T16:57:00.000-07:00

It's all those times that I wasn't there.

It's all the moments that I missed.

All the memories that were never created.

Those are the things that are eating at my heart tonight.

It's all those memories that we did make,

the pictures that we [[tried]] to take

the laughter we created and shared.

..those, I miss the most.

This is where it takes a turn.

It's all the anger I have inside, for the times that I missed out on.

All those others who got to be with you.

It's them that I --->hate (not really hate, but I sure as hell don't like them).

Especially the one who got to feel what I once felt

the one who ~~took my place~~

The one who IS in the pictures.

I don't like her. I don't WANT to like her.

If you try to make me, I will most definitely not like her.

So ask the question(s) already.

Why are we still friends?

Why do we do this to ourselves?

When did we get so mean?

Why can't we let go?

What is keeping us attached?

Here are the questions,

but where are the answers?

Random Tuesday: With A Side Of Brocolli

2011-03-01T22:48:00.000-08:00

And what a random Tuesday it has been! I went on an adventure today, and ended up visiting Utah's Capitol HIill, Temple Square, SLC Public Library, going for a delightful walk, enjoying Zupas soup &salad (Rachel I'm hooked ever since our lunch!) and then a fantastic Real Soccer Game!!! So much fun.

I walked like 2 miles. I am exhausted.

Peace. OUt.

Somewhere.

2011-02-27T21:11:00.000-08:00

"Somewhere I Belong"

(When this began)

I had ~~nothing~~ to say

And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me

(I was confused)

And I let it all out to find

That I’m not the only person with these things in mind

(Inside of me)

But all that they can see the words revealed

Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel

(Nothing to lose)

Just stuck, hollow and ~~alone~~

And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real

I wanna l e t g o of the pain I’ve felt so long

(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real

I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along

Somewhere I belong

And I’ve got nothing to say

I can’t believe I didn’t fall right down on my face

(I was confused)

Looking everywhere only to find

That it’s not the way I had imagined it all in my mind

(So what am I)

What do I have but negativity

’Cause I can’t justify the way, everyone is looking at me

(Nothing to lose)

~~Nothing to gain, hollow and alone~~

And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own

And ~~I will never feel anything else~~, until my wounds are healed

I will never be anything till I break away from me

I will break away, I'll find myself today

I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m somewhere I belong

Somewhere I belong

It just happens that way

2011-02-25T13:03:00.000-08:00

You know when you're reading a really fantastic book, and you're excited and depressed, because you want to know how the story ends, but you don't want to stop reading it? Yeah, I finished my book and I'm having post-partum depression. It was just so excellent. I suggest it to all you ladies out there. I thoroughly loved it.

Also, idk why I have a playlist on my blog because I just pause it so I don't have to listen to the music anyway. ha ha!

Warning: Some Material Not Suitable for Parents

2011-02-24T12:15:00.000-08:00

I don't get it.

I probably never will.

Not for a good 10 years or so anyway.

"Omigosh, your baby is soooooo cute!'
"Yeah, she/he looks just like you!"

All these coomments are flying around in high-toned voices of ladies, some friends, some family, some randoms you meet at the mall. I simply look around in dismay. What is this nonsense? Is this what I'm supposed to transform into? This?? I can't do it.
Then the time comes where everyone looks to me to put it my cute, feel-better-about-your-life comment about the infant. Their eyes all on me. Waiting. Some giving me a glare as if to say, "Match that, beeyatch." Normally, I would glare back. No one glares at me and gets away unscathed! NO one! However, this is no time for war. It's time to please the crowds. I can feel the sweat starting to form on my hairline. Gross. Okay, think McKel, think! It's not that hard. But I can't lie. I won't lie to please people! Stop being proud and just say something, it's been like 10 minutes already you freak! Crap.

"....awwww! Baby, cuuuuuteeee!"

That's all you could come up with?
Brilliant. Not.

The crowd seems pleased, however, so now it's time to find an escape. NOW.

Babies look like babies. Squishy. Squinty-eyed. Some are fatter than others. Some are taller, longer, you get the idea. The point is, they all look like babies. Babies don't look like their parents until they're at least one or two years old. I can't stand this "your baby is so cute!" bee- ess because I don't see it! It drives me nuts! Your kid looks like a kid!
Your kid poops and cries and throw food and spits up just like any other kid. I don't find any of those things adorable.

I don't like getting stuck in line behind someone at Wal*Mart who has a baby, because babies just look at you. They stare. As drool dripples onto their chin then next to their shirt/onsie/I don't really care to know exactly what it is, they stare at you. What the hell man? Look away, and you're a jerk. Stare back and you're creepy. So...smile? Smiling is acceptable. Unless the baby starts to cry. Then you're just living a sad life my friend. But if they smile back and laugh and more spit comes out it's cute. I guess? I just think it's creepy that they're staring at me in the first place. And you know as soon as the baby starts to smile back and perhaps laugh, the parent will turn around and look at you and you know they're waiting for a compliment on producing good offspring. You know what I want to say every time? "Your baby looks like a baby. Congrats. Oh, btw, it's drooling." But something inside me tells me that that's rude, don't day that, it's not acceptable, blah blah blah. So I try to get away with smiling at the baby and sometimes the parent until they leave. If I can't take that route, I have to say, "Aw, cute baby. How old?" And I HATE THAT. I hate being a liar.

I also don't want to touch your stomach when you're pregnant. It makes me feel creepy, and it weirds me out that there is a living persontypething inside of your stomach. It reminds me of the movie Knocked Up and Alien. But mostly it just creeps me out. Hard.

It's at times like these when I just want to leave Utah, the land of overflowing pregnant women under 25. Thanks to Mark Zuckerburg, these women can tell me all about their unborn children and their born ones. With drooling pictures and all.

I need to get outta here man.

*Cortney, in no way am I referring to you being pregnant or your children, because I like them and do not think that they are nasty drooling children. You already know that pregnancy reminds me of Knocked Up and thanks for laughing everytime I quote it, even if it isn't funny.

Make Yours A Great Life

2011-02-23T16:15:00.000-08:00

I was feeling quite stressed today. You know, about adult stuff. Money, bills, income, blah blah blah. I was on the verge of tears (not necessary, but it happened) and on the phone with my mother, who was 7 hours and a few oceans apart in England, talking about these things. I'm not at rock bottom, and apparently I "did good" with my bill paying for this month. Awesome? But now, sadly, my fun job is coming to an end. Cortney is off bedrest and 36 weeks along (yay!), so I'm not really needed anymore. So now off into the real world, to get a real job....and I was doing so good of not having to get one of those! Drat! Ha ha, I can't run away forever.

Anyway, I came across a quote today that totally utterly and completely alieviated my stress. Here it is:

Your individual future is either bright or cloudy, depending on you. Your future is not determined by the conditions around you. It is determined by your faith, your choices, and your efforts

Here's something that I never thought about:

How will you face your challenges? Some people complain and blame circumstances or other people for their problems. They won’t let go of bad feelings. They portray themselves as victims and become bitter. They seem to spend so much time and energy justifying themselves and pushing off responsibility to others that there is no energy left to go forward with their lives.

Others seem to live in the past and dwell on how things used to be. They are so unwilling to leave the past that they don’t turn around to face a future that would be bright if they approached it properly.

Some people dream about the future but don’t do much to move into it with power. They don’t realize that what they do—or don’t do—now will profoundly affect their future.

I never thought that by me thinking about how things "used" to be, how things were "then", what I was doing last year, that I was prohibiting myself from moving forward. This challenge that I'm going through right now, on finding a place to live and a solid job is only a minor speed bump. If I can but slow down enough to take it and not ruin anything but fast enough so I can actually get over it, I will be fine. I just need to go!

Anyway, it's funny how things can be looking so utterly bleak at one moment, then at another you realize it isn't quite as bad as you thought.

Namaste to you all.
<3

****
I got this quote and story from an LDS church article in the LDS magazine The Ensign.

Um, when did having a blog become a crime?

2011-02-17T14:42:00.000-08:00

Blogs are everywhere. They are. It's undeniable. They've been around for a good five years. Blogs can be ficticious or about real life. A lot of them are about real life. This teacher had a blog, and in this blog she vented about her students - not specifically or individually - and how they frustrated here and were, quite frankly, lazy. Now the students are mad and are taking the issues to court??? Um, when was this okay? I do not agree that the teacher was even suspended! These students need to grow up and realize that they need to pull their heads out and actually do something!

Ugh.
I'm so irritated for her. Totally on her side.

Teacher suspended over vitriolic blog

Patrick Walters

February 18, 2011

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Suspended ... Natalie Munroe. Photo: AP

FEASTERVILLE, Pennsylvania: A high-school English teacher in suburban Philadelphia who was suspended for a profanity-laced blog in which she called her young charges ''disengaged, lazy whiners'' is causing a sensation by daring to ask: why are students unmotivated - and what's wrong with calling them out?

As she fights to keep her job at Central Bucks East High School, 30-year-old Natalie Munroe says she had no interest in becoming any sort of educational icon.

Her comments and her suspension have clearly touched a nerve, with scores of online comments applauding her for taking a tough-love approach or excoriating her for verbal abuse. Media attention has rained down and backers have started a Facebook group.

''My students are out of control,'' Ms Munroe, who has taught 10th, 11th and 12th grades, wrote in one post. ''They are rude, disengaged, lazy whiners. They curse, discuss drugs, talk back, argue for grades, complain about everything, fancy themselves entitled to whatever they desire, and are just generally annoying.''

And in another post, Ms Munroe - who is more than eight months pregnant - quotes from the musical Bye Bye Birdie: ''Kids! They are disobedient, disrespectful oafs. Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy LOAFERS.''

She also listed some comments she wished she could post on student evaluations, including: ''I hear the trash company is hiring''; ''I called out sick a couple of days just to avoid your son''; and ''Just as bad as his sibling. Don't you know how to raise kids?''

Ms Munroe did not use her full name or identify her students or school in the blog, which she started in August 2009 for friends and family. Last week, she said, students brought it to the attention of the school, which suspended her with pay.

''They get angry when you ask them to think or be creative,'' Ms Munroe said of her students. ''The students are not being held accountable.''

Ms Munroe pointed out that she also said positive things, but she acknowledges that she did write some things out of frustration - and of a feeling that many children today are being given a free pass at school and at home.

''Parents are more trying to be their kids' friends and less trying to be their parent,'' Ms Munroe said, also noting students' lack of patience. ''They want everything right now. They want it yesterday.''

Ms Munroe has hired a lawyer, who said that she had the right to post her thoughts on the blog and that it's a free speech issue.

I Know It's True

2011-02-16T15:58:00.001-08:00

Children dump things out of their containers just to watch me put them back.

Three times a day.

Random Tuesday: I can't remember.

2011-02-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

Ah bueno. I hope everyone is having a great after Valentines day day. I myself had an average vday, a little less awesome than my past ones, but nothing too tragic. I honestly can say that I don't get why people hate this holiday. It's not that big of a deal! I agree with those who think it's stupid to just have one day to celebrate love, because if you truly love someone you probably celebrate it almost everytime you're with them. Not crazy out of control celebrate, but you love them so you let them know, right? Also, that is what anniversaries are for. Just throwin' that out there. I also think that they (those who are behind the franchise of valentines day) should make it more male-friendly, because, let's face it, it is very much about girls/women...and it's kindof annoying. I am a fan however, of the candy prices being cut. Bring it on! Ha ha.

I am very disappointed in myself for not watching the movie "Valentine's Day" yesterday, because I simply adore that movie! I love all the love stories and how they're intertwined and I love each character (mostly) and not to mention Ashton Kutcher! Ha ha, if he knew I existed, it would be magical. I assure you.

I am not a fan of grape jelly. It's not the great, right? Strawberry all the way.

My mother brought me crumpets! I love them! I am in heaven! ish.

Wish the sun would shine longer and harder for a few days. I just want to take the twins out for a walk. They would love it.

I hate that I got so many speeding tickets in high school! Or my younger years. My insurance is BALLS expensive...okay so I'm on my mom's so it's TONS cheaper, but let me tell you, it would be outrageous if it was my own policy.
stress.

only 3 1/2 more days until i get my new car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

a little thrilled.

ta ta!

Well Shucks!

2011-02-13T20:53:00.000-08:00

I was surprised to see that I have been awarded the Stylish Blogger Award! I have no sense of style, blogger or any other type, so it was really quite nice! Who would do such a thing?! Well, her name is Brielle and she is just a peach! Her blog is beautiful, it's always fun to see what creative design she's come up with. Plus, she's hilarious. Thanks Brielle!

Along with this award however, are some stipulations. I must give you 7 random/unknown facts about myself, thank the person who gave me the award, and give the award to 7 other bloggers. Bring it on!

So, thanks Brielle! (haha, I'll let her know other than just this thanks. Duh).

Seven Random/Unknown Facts About Moi:

My close friend and family know this, but oh well. I absolutely, undeniably, more than anything in this entire universe despise feet. I think they are horrid. Disgusting. Repulsive. Barf-- you get the idea.
I have a hard time finishing things I start. I get great ideas and then start on my wonderful projects and get halfway done...then I'm bored, or distracted by another one of my totally awesome ideas. I'm working on fixing this so I can actually accomplish something.
I sometimes have panic attacks....about germs.
I like reading about History...
Most people like shopping for clothes. I like shopping for office/school supplies.
I love health food. Things like soy milk, quinoa, psyllium husk, flaxseed, gluten free thai noodles...obsessed.
I fight with my words when there is an issue, and I'm afraid one day I'm going to get my ass kicked.

Alrighty! Now, to tag seven peeps.

hmmm...

Shyann; my dear cousin. She has so much wisdom, it never ceases to amaze me.

Rachel; One of the most eloquent writers and most grateful people I have ever met.

Brooke; she's already received this award. I don't care. The world needs to check out her area in the great world of blogging.

Didactic Pirate; one of the funniest writers! I've mentioned him a few times before. I love his blog and highly suggest you all go see it for yourself.

..seriously.

Liz; she is hilarious! Not to mention her super cute blog style.

Dr. Cynacism; Check it.

Beta Dad; I've also mentioned him a few times. Very funny.

There you go! Enjoy!

Help, anyone??

2011-02-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

Yes, this is a post in which I am asking for your help. Slightly pathetic, but I like to think of it as networking.

Okay, so I'm looking around (online, seeing as I have no vehicle at the moment to actually physically search for them) for jobs, and surprisingly, I've found quite a few that I'm quite interested in. One of these jobs - which happens to be a paralegal job, a job that I believe really sucks but is good for experience for the field I wish to go into - requires a writing sample. What the world so I submit? Like, a short story? An excerpt from my life? A blog post?? I'm just not certain what I should submit. I have very little paralegal experience, but those paralegal classes I took for *fun*, which required me to do weekly cases and a brief for each new case (I curse you and thank you, Professor Michael D.) paid off in the end.

So my amigos, any suggestions or ideas????

Help!

Oh Yeah,

2011-02-09T22:02:00.000-08:00

I am in love with this man.

Just look at him.

Mmmm.

yeah one more time.

And a final smoulder.

aaah.

A Cheesy Love Post in lieu of V-Day

2011-02-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

"Now and then, when the moon is full and bluish, when the galaxy is all calm and peaceful and serenity rules and even the falling stars are falling gracefully, and the wind creates a beautiful song, that's when you find one outstanding man. Kind. Loyal. Funny and smart, great in bed but not kinky. A lover in his head and his body. A man who doesn't think as a dick-obsessed monkey with a brain the size of a testicle, but one who is thoughtful and can hold his emotions in one hand and hug you close with the other. A man who is a hunky, manly man but who can talk to you like your best girlfriend, because that's what he wants to be for you. Your

best friend."

This is an exercpt from the novel that I'm reading right now. The novel is "Such A Pretty Face" by Cathy Lamb.

I'm not none for my romantic side, but this did make my heart go, "Awww!" Because even though for the past three years or so I've stifled any sort of "girly" feelings and behavior that would get me labled as a "typical girl" or anything of the sort, I have a lovey-dovey side. I've decided that for my own emotional and mental health I shouldn't supress these feelings, and that I need to let them out....also, I need to cry more. So far it's going well! I've cried more than ever, but not in a depressing way (okay sometimes depressing but mostly not), and I've let my "girly" feelings out more. Where I'm going with this is that, one of my not-so-secret-secrets is that I dream of meeting my own guy who wants to be my best friend, who thinks about my happiness before his own, and someone I feel the same way. I've finally admitted it. (What girl doesnt want this though?)

Getting Ahead Of Myself

2011-02-07T13:05:00.000-08:00

Ughhaah. I am trying my very hardest not to be super impatient with life, because I don't want it to fly by unnoticed, but at the same time, I find myself wanting things that come with being older and in a completely different place in life. Things that (usually) families have. Oh you know, like a house...a yard, my own garden...yeah, a garden! ...I know right? Why? Why would I want a garden? (Can you see me weeding it religiously? I can...sometimes). I even find myself wanting - now prepare yourselves - suburbantypecar. You know, like say oh....a Subaru Outback..or a Hyundai Santa Fe. Not that I've googled them extensively or anything.

Well, ever since I have been living with families and have been surrounded by these things...well, I want them. I shouldn't be so selfish, but I also shouldn't overeat sweets and well that's a whole 'nother story (that phrase, btw, makes no sense to me...."whole nother [another?] story"..is it even correct English grammar? I digress). Living around these things has influenced me into endless daydream stupors...things like, "my house will have this-and-that, a hot tub, a sweet yard, a beautiful garden" and even questioning adutls I know about how they designed their houses and how ~~I could~~ one would go about designing the blueprints, etc. I find myself wanting nice things for my future family to be, or even just for me (I don't know for certain I'll have a family of my own; I hope for it, but I don't like to promise things that can't be guaranteed). It's like, a disease! A real sickness! Instead of watching "A Haunting" on TLC, I'm now wasting time on Google (okay, so I waste a lot of time on Google anyway, but just go with it) googling cars, suburbans, houses, yards, everything of the sort.

As you know, I was in a car accident, and my poor dear car Koordeeliuh was totaled.

So, in lieu of this I have been car shopping. Time to be a grown-up and make my first car purchase! I was excited to look around for a new car, and to see all the options out there (there really are so many!). I asked people for their opinions and what kind of cars they liked...which I think was more of a bad idea than a good one. Why, you wonder? Well, because people like what they like. And they will tell you that. Over and over...and over. If they had even one minor incident with a certain brand of car and it was a bad one, oh boy, lookout, they will tell you about it. They will also give you thousands of reasons why the brand they like is so much better than the one you like. I listened and discussed things as respectfully and civally as I could for a while, then I just gave up on asking people what they thought. I don't mean that I didn't ask anyone else, because I asked my mom, uncle, and aunt what they thought....because I really do value their opinions, and my uncle is an awesome car guy who has dealt with cars pretty much his whole life....so, I did ask for help. I also went on my own and researched certain brands that I liked the best and compared rates and all that jazz. And FINALLY, I have found a car I want.
I'm preeeetttty stoked about it, if I do say so myself!
So cars these days can come with a bunch of ~~needless~~ cool accessories. Things like a built in navigation system, bluetooth in your car that recognizes your voice, illuminated ignition, a button you can push on your key that will start your car, seat warmers...you know, things that every person needs to survive this tough world. I have to decide what is necessary and what isn't. I have to think things like, okay, I'm only 21, do I really need a bluetooth or a navigation system? Is a sunroof plausible? Is the size of my car logical? But at the same time I think, "This car is going to be my car for the next 6 or so years, why not get all decked out with sweet accessories?!"...only to be reminded about the car payment. So, I suppose I can get a built in navigation if I want a ridiculous monthly car payment.

I guess what I'm attempting to get at, is that I seem to be wanting things that aren't reasonable for me to want right now.Shouldn't I be wanting to find my soulmate, or my dream job or go rage in California with Jayson and surf our lives away in summer and snowboard nonstop in winter? Something along those lines anyway? Instead here I am, daydreaming about houses. Freaking houses. And gardens/yards. Really, McKel, really?

It's at this point of my daily thought process that I have to take a deep breath and let out an extremely exaggerated sigh and rethink my priorities.

Seems like I'm always getting ahead of myself, one way or another.

Wishful thinking?

2011-02-06T22:19:00.000-08:00

I wish that I could change a life. I see these people who can through up a lot of money and help charities, or those who are doctors and can save lives, people who work with special ed or autistic people and help them, they really do make these people's lives better...
..I often think, what do I have to offer? What can I offer? What can I do?

I have this want and desire really deep within my heart to help and make life better for others...I need to find a way to satisify this urge.

Stupid.

2011-02-06T00:18:00.000-08:00

There are those people who are poisonous in your life. For some reason or another, their presence in your life just makes things worse, creates more drama, and leaves you sad and more depressed than you would have been without them.

I have these people in my life. I have a lot of them. I recently decided to just...cut them out of my life. To just get rid of them; you know, delete their number out of my phone, de-friend them on Facebook, and stop replying to their texts. Easy right?

...Not as easy as I would have anticipated. I mean, the deleting the numbers and de-friending them was super easy...it's the not replying back part that's hard. But even harder than that, is when I find myself wanting to text them. Sounds counter-productive, right? Well, it is.Why at one minute am I all for deleting them out of my life, and then the next I find myself wishing they were there...or wanting to talk to them. It's so frustrating. Why can't I make up my mind? Decide yes or no!

Why do I want them in my life if they're so poisonous? Ugh.

Stress me out.

Funny, yet slightly offensive. But mostly funny.

2011-02-02T16:49:00.000-08:00

Daniel Tosh, that is. Huh-larious!!!! I'm now super addicted. Is he funny because he speaks the truth? Probably.

Random Tuesdays are making a comeback!

2011-02-01T21:35:00.000-08:00

Aahhh, nothing like a good cold day to stay inside in your pj's all day and stay warm with a nice soft hoodie. Yep, today was one of those days and I fully used my right to stay in sweats! Fantastic day.

Come to think of it, I need more hoodies. Thank goodness there are lots of sales going on right now :)

oh wait; I don't have a car.

...awesome.

Mom will be here in TEN DAYS! That's right. Mother will be here. STOOKED.

Nicholas Sparks writes some amazing novels, and others make me want to vomit where I stand. Er, sit.

Well, until next time.

SURPRISE!

2011-01-31T22:11:00.000-08:00

So, my mother called me with some exciting news - her husband got her TICKETS BACK TO AMERICA for a few weeks for her birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do not know anyone more excited (except, perhaps my mother herself) than I am!!!!

Eleven days!
In eleven days, I get to A) SEE MY MOM! B) See my pretty awesome step-dad C) GET A NEW CAR finally! D) Go to the movies with my mom!

I am officially stoked!

And to top it all off, I have started eating the way that crazy-health-food-freak McKel eats (yes, it's true, I'm borderline granola) and I am feeling awesome. I forgot what exercise does to your brain.

That is all!

Good day :)

Just A Thought

2011-01-29T18:30:00.000-08:00

While grocery shopping with the twins, I thought to myself, who would ever want to do this?! Self-inflicting insanity and purposely tiring yourself out...

and then it occurred to me; if you were doing it with your best friend, it wouldn't be nearly half as bad.

That made me smile.

I am looking for your favorite things about being married/parent for those of you to whom this applies. I'd love to hear your stories! :)

Everything I Know About Happiness..

2011-01-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

...if you want to be happy......
..be.

can't believe I forgot that. Thanks to good friends, who I never suspected would be there (you know who you are), I have realized that...hey, life isn't too bad, and I can do it.

So, thanks you guys. You make a difference.You've changed someone's life, for the better.

Brief Moments that Last Forever

2011-01-25T07:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, Here are some (alot) of pictures from my quick adventure in Paris. :) best time I've had in a while! Hope you enjoy them!

NOtre Dame

Pain So Familiar and Close To The Heart

2011-01-23T20:50:00.000-08:00

So, it's not even the end of January in 2011, and it has already been REALLY difficult. I'm not the crying sort of person, and I have cried more this month than I ever did in the past 2 years together (aside from my Grandmother's funeral). Not feeling like I really belong anywhere, and now that I don't have my car I am feeling very helpless, something I have never NEVER NEVER in my life really ever felt. It's hard. It's so frustrating that I cry. There is nothing else I can do. I really miss my mom. Really miss her. I wish that she was here to help me...which is quite selfish on my part. She is with the love of her life and she is finally living and loving and I am so happy for her!!! I LOVE IT! But with everything going on like moving and trying to find a "big kid" job and now the car accident...it's like I just don't know where to even start. And I'm being selfish. Ahh.

Koordeeliuhh, my BEAUTIFUL car, ruined by some guy who didn't yield. The front left tire is pushed all the way into the engine and is bent really quite bad. The driver door was unopenable, the frame is bent, windshield shattered on the left side from the side mirror hitting it, and the axel is broken. :(

My GORGEOUS mother and her new husband Pete. Isn't she glowing?!

So, I have been stressed out a little bit lately. A lot lately, actually. Not being in college with people my age and in same (kind of) place in life for the past six months has taken it's toll on me. I feel like I have no friends anymore, and that my friends don't want to be my friends anymore. I'm not sure if I'm just being a crazy emotional bitch (which could very well be the case; stress makes people crazy) or if I have valid concerns. I am not used to not having my friends here with me. I am usually surrounded by my friends. Now, by this time, most of my friends and high school classmates are all married. I am being DEAD serious; most of them are. And I love hearing about their lives and how happy they are, it makes me happy :) But I am not in a place in my life to be married, so being around my married friends can at times be awkward for everyone. Some of them are pretty cool and it's not awkward at all, but usually it's pretty awkward. I just am at a loss of what to do and where to go at this point. I am just really lonely, I guess. I don't do well being alone. I'm afraid I might be going into depression.

This past weekend was a giant rollercoaster; returning the rental car and being completely dependent on my lovely cousin Shelby for a ride back home, a weekend with friends, trying to decide if I'm going crazy and if my friends really like me or not, or if I'm just "that" girl, or "that" friend...I feel like I'm really loud a lot of the time and I have a lot to say, and maybe it gets on everyone's nerves. It makes me feel like no one likes me...which might sound stupid to you, but it really affects me. I am usually well-liked, as conceited as that sounds, and I get along with pretty much everyone, so for me to think that people who call themselves my friends don't like me and are just tolerating my presence and lame stories really hurts my feelings. I don't tell them that of course, because I am never sad and always happy and upbeat so I can't show any other emotion, or people run away. Welcome to my life. So do I change? Or am I being dumb? I don't know. I need to take time and figure it out. I need to breathe, and accept things. If I want to change, then I will.

I have to buy my first car. I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to do ANYTHING. I am just over this whole ordeal.

I guess this is growing up.
I wonder how many more times I'll cry this month.

Little Things

2011-01-21T12:42:00.000-08:00

There are small things every day that make my days brighter and more exciting. Today there have already been a number of things that have made me feel so awesome and happy, and it's only 9:45 a.m.

First thing, is upon waking up this morning at around 7:15 ish to get the twins, they weren't crying. They were just awake and ready to start the day. Booshka was really talkative and lovey, it was adorable! It amazes me just how much love they really have. So, that was the second thing that just made my day. The fact that they know how to love and show love.

Next was breakfast time. Dad got some syrup so we could finally have french toast (and by we I mean the twins and mom...I'm on a four-day all fruit and veggie diet...awesome right?). So Bug followed me into the kitchen, pointing at her mouth saying, "Eeee! Eeeeeeee. Eeee? EEEEEEE!!!" Booshka came running in, making it very clear he was ready to be in his high chair. After I had breakfast all ready and prepared, had the twins eating and Cortney had her food, I came back into the kitchen to see that the twins had already eaten their breakfast, and Bug was looking at me, pointing at her plate saying, "Maaawwrre? Maaawre" (more) with a big grin on her face. More?? You want more?? You just had a giant piece of delicious french toast and syrup! You only weigh 20 lbs, and you want more?! Booshka was licking his plate (too bad the syrup wasn't sugar free), and then he held his plate out to me and raised his eyebrows, as to say, "Yeah, you know I want more. Hurry, I'm still hungry." They were just so excited to eat the breakfast that I prepared. They loved it!! I was like,

"What's that you say? Best french toast you've ever eaten!? Why, how kind of you! Oh, stop it. It can't be that good. It is?! It tastes like a little slice of heaven?! Oh, stop it you. Ooohh-kaayy, you're right it is pretty delectable."

That seriously made me feel so great.

The next thing was dancing in the kitchen. Bug and I were listening to the Burlesque soundtrack as we were cleaning up the kitchen (once again, by "we" I mean "I") and we decided to do a mix of a little bit of salsa with a dash of the tango and kept it classy with some waltzing. She was laughing so hard and it was just so much fun.

I've already felt great, and it's only 10:00 a.m.

A Glimpse of The Future

2011-01-20T13:39:00.000-08:00

**I've divided this into segments, so as not to confuse any of you awesome readers (if you're even out there reading this, ha ha) and to keep things somewhat organized.**

Part 1: The Right Now

Since I've started nannying for my friend Cortney McDougall Blake (check out her cute kids here) while she is on bedrest getting ready for the newest Baby Blake to get here, I sometimes get to see the future. Yep, that's right. I get to see the future. Or one possible future...I suppose that the future is an infinite amount of undefined possibilities; the one that will one day be our very own is up to us and the series of choices we make...but that's a different topic. I'm talking about the future Mom-McKel.

Before I get too in depth with the future-seeing, here's a little bit about the current situation:

The twins (we'll call them Booshka and Bug) are really great kids for being in their "terrible" two's! They help clean up their toys with ~~constant nagging~~ little persuasion, they aren't picky eaters, and they love bathtime. They don't cry a lot either, and hardly ever tell me "no." Booshka is still a little clingy to mom when he doesn't want to come out and play with the kitchen set, and Bug, being the older twin, thinks that she makes all the rules, so if it's not what she wants she will occasionally throw a miniature tempertantrum. I'm lucky; these things only happen maybe four times total daily. Okay, sometimes five or six. But it's really nothing I can complain about. They're children. They're two. I'm not even mad about it. (Which is saying something).

Booshka & Bug just finishing up playtime before bedtime

The daily routine:

Wake up...early. Earlier than I'm used to. I haven't woken up this early since probably high school. So about five years ago. What's early you ask? 7:00-8:00 a.m. Depending on when the twins wake up.
The twins visit mom for a bit, play a little, then it's time to "Ee? Eee. Eee! EEEEE!!!!" or eat, as we adults would say.
Then comes breakfast. Nothing too extravagant, but always delicious.
Alright, time to get dressed. Sometimes a battle, sometimes a breeze.
Play time!!! We get to play with what we want, where we want. That's right. Bouncy? Sure thing! Battery operated four wheelers for little tykes? Yep! Kitchen set with real boiling and cooking sounds? Heck yes! Mega building blocks and Buzz Light Year? Done.
As noon rolls around, tummies rumble and it's time for lunch. I love cooking, so it's fun to make food for the kids and Cortney.
Naptime! Yes...this is one of my favorite times of day! Booshka and Bug sleep for about 2 1/2- 3 hours. I get to do whatever I want here...like clean, blog, facebook stalk, movies, read....it's a time I have come to cherish.
Up from naptime, and on to more playing! With an afternoon snack of course.
I sneak in laundry when they're not paying attention to what I'm doing...or when I think that they're not. They are, and they end up "helping" me with laundry.
Dinner around 5:30-6:00 ish, then bath time (be careful to mention the "b" word only after dinner, because Bug goes absolutely nuts for some tub time....and if Bug goes nuts, Booshka quickly follows suit).
Jammie time! Then more playing and when 8:30 rolls around it is "nigh-nigh" time. I love 8:30.

I never realized just how tiring it is! I was always baffeled at why parents went to bed at like 9:30 or 10:00. I mean come on now! Don't give in to age! Stay up! But now? When I know that I can't just hit the snooze button, and that I will actually really have to be up early, I don't question it anymore. I get it. 11:30 is pushing it!

Bug and Booshka with me watching some Toy Story

Now, while this whole nanny/parenting thing is tiring, it is also really fun. It's amazing to see what they can do at such a small height and age. They already understand so much. They understand me more than I give them credit for. Stay at home dad Beta dad knows what I mean. Check out his cute twins at his blog and see just what I'm trying to say.

* * *

Part 2: My thoughts on children

Being a mom...something I've always been curious of, but never realized how trying it really is. Mom-McKel. Hmmm.

Now if you know the right-now-McKel, you will note that I am not a fan of children other than those a)related to me or b)good friends' kids. Even just regular friends' kids I will furrow my brow and take step back at. Children are...well, kindof gross. They pick their boogers and eat them. They have snot and spittle everywhere. They scream. They're messy. They poop, and it's gross. What about newborns? They all look the same to me. Alien-ish. They just lay there. And poop. I'll admit that I'm scared of newborns. Give me a handful of 5 year olds and alright! Kids with energy! And imaginations! Yeah! Playgrounds, toys, let's do it! Newborns....what do I do? What does it want? Why is it crying? Make it stop...

I don't talk to kids in that extremely annoying and rather embarrassing "baby" talk voice. People who do that not only sound like idiots, but they look like idiots too. Even the kids being spoken to in such a voice think that. Seriously. Look at their face. It says it all. Anyway, I talk to them like they are able to understand me in an adult type voice...because they are.

See what I mean? Messy
Note: I have no idea who's kid this is. Some random picture
from Google.

So how did right-now McKel get into the current situation? Well, thankfully my past experience as a swim instructor for kids and a kids skiing instructor, I have some experience with children. Being an only child, this is my only experience really...but it's experience nonetheless. So, after the phone call about the job offer, I was all about it! "So what if they're not 5?" I thought. "I can do this!"

....right?

* * *

Part 3: Mom-McKel, Routines, & Uncertainty

Well here I am, not even a week into it, and it turns out that I can do this! I am not known for my patience, but I've surprised myself with how much I seem to have. I haven't yelled at the kids (yet) and while they are frustrating at times, I haven't found myself completely void of all patience. Hmmm, strange.

Now that's out of the way...back to the future. (Ha.)

Will I be this way as a mother of my own children? Patient? Understanding? Non-screaming-and-pulling-my-hair-out kind of mom? I think so. The future Mom-McKel. She doesn't put up with any crap, like tantrums, fighting, not picking up messes, arguing and the like; yet she is loving, kind, and (mostly) understanding. She's not perfect though. She does lose her patience occasionally, and sometimes she doesn't want to get out of bed and be happy all day.

When I see this particular future, I sometimes worry. I worry that Mom-McKel won't be awesome in the way that right-now-McKel imagines her to be. I worry that I won't be able to teach my future children the crucial things that they need to know, such as right from wrong, and how to talk and function properly. A stupid worry? Perhaps. But it's a worry that's there, lurking in the back-ish area of my mind.

I also worry about what I'll be doing as a parent and an adult. I have always been very career-oriented, having dreams of being a big-wig attorney at a prestigious law firm in a city instead of dreaming about the perfect husband and family. I don't imagine myself staying at home for a long time to watch my future children. I will be at work, making the necessary income for the family to be comfortable and happy. Isn't that the man's job you ask? Not necessarily. Beta Dad is proof that guys CAN be stay at home parents too. (Check him out, he is a great writer! Not to mention he has adorable kids. Come on, do it you know you want to). Will my future husband stay at home with the kids? I don't know, I haven't thought much about this guy. There's day care.

Now, don't get all crazy about how day care ruins children. I went to day care, and I turned out just fine. Okay, with only a few abnormalities. Great social skills though. While I'm on this day care tangent, what are your thoughts on day care?

Back to the topic at hand.

There's a lot of routine to being a parent. I am always cleaning something. The kitchen, the bathroom, laundry, picking up toys, wiping down highchairs, sweeping up food bits. It is already little monotonous and it's only day 4. I'm not sure if Mom-McKel is going to be able to handle it. Staying at home with the kids EVERY DAY. Cleaning everything EVERY DAY. Picking up the same messes EVERY DAY. The same routine EVERY DAY. I don't know about that. Seems...boring.

So, am I going to be a stay at home mom? Is Mom-McKel going to have a career? Are the kids going to go to daycare? I'm not sure, I can't see that particular part of the future. However, what I do know is that Mom-McKel isn't going to be as terrible of a mother as right-now-McKel has always dreaded...and that knowledge is more comforting than anyone could really ever know.

Next Step

2011-01-19T14:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I get mad. Mad at the teachers, guidance counslers, professors, and adults in my life. I feel like they lied to me. They told me that I could do anything I wanted, be ANYTHING I wanted to be! Then I tried to do things that I wanted to do and they told me, "You probably shouldn't do that." or "No, McKel, you can't do that." Obviously, those things like putting hairspray on the cat, and feeding the horses gum, I shouldn't have done (oops), but there are things like law school, and being an attorney, or a translator, that I'm mad about. Those adults in my life told me I could do WHATEVER I wanted. Be whatever I wanted to be. They didn't tell me that I'd have to have billions of money. They told me I had to have heart and determination and diligence. Well, I have all of that, but in addition I have the social and economical pressures. A terrible economy to be what I want to be, to do what I want to do...social pressures of where to live and what to like and who to be friends with...social pressures of where to go to school, and people telling me I'm not smart enough or I need to go here and I need to study this, don't do this and don't do that.

I feel that these adults, who were there and guided me in such a vulnerable time in my life, should have warned me. They should have prepared me for this. Don't let me know right before I'm about ready to enter into the real world! Stress me out!

Bah. Well, now I have to take the next step. All my life, I've known what to do, where to go. And quite frankly that was school. I've been in school for 15 years. Fiveteen YEARS of my life I have dedicated to education. Now I have it. Great! A piece of paper letting people k now I studied something and am knowledgeable in that area. Well...now what? I go out and use that knowledge...um, where? Doing what? More school? Or apply my skills in an actual career?

Too many questions, and not enough answers.

Any ideas or suggestions?

Being a Parent

2011-01-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

Being a parent is one of the hardest things in the world. At least, I think it will be. I'm not personally a parent, but after being a nanny of sorts for 4 teenagers and now for two premature 2yearold twins and living away from my own mother, I realize just how difficult it all is. How do you teach your kids basic things like how to talk and chew your food so it's swallow-able; how to clean up their toys, and how do they know what certain words mean?? After those things, how do you teach your children to be sociable, what sports they do and don't like, what's right and wrong? How do you protect them from the outside world and its' not so great influences? Are you even supposed to protect them from everything? Then the teenage years...how do you help them out in their saddest angsty moments yet teach them to be self-reliant and independent? And rules of morality? It's all baffeling and quite stressful-making to me. I wish my mom was here to help me. When I have kids of my own (if I do), I know she'll be here to help me out. Thank goodness for that!

New House....again.

2011-01-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

I've moved. Again. For the fourth time in four months.

I really like my new place (it's not "mine", I'm an au pair for a friend), I have a really nice room to call mine, my own bathroom, and utilities I can use. It's pretty legit.

I just am waiting for when I'll have my own place.

That will be nice.

whenever that happens.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-15T00:30:00.000-08:00

I have missed blogging DEARLY! It seems that whenever I wanted to sit down and post, something or other just came up and would not let me blog. The world was against me blogging. Hopefully now though, the universe and I have come to an understanding, and things will work out better.

Well, England was AAH. MAAZE. ING. I absolutely loved it, even though I was there during the dreary, gray, overcast soggy part of winter in the UK. It was fantastic to be with my mother again. But more than fantastic than that was seeing her happy. I can't recall a time when she has been happier. I am so much more at ease knowing that she is well taken care of and loved and adored and...well simply, she is being treated like the queen that she is.

More fun that England was Paris. I MUST GO BACK. It isn't a question..it's simply what has to happen. It will, I know it will.
There was just something about being in a place, being around so many people, who don't speak the same language as you...there is just something about that that is.....for lack of a better word, exhilarating. I can speak French, fluently in America, which ends up being broken and slow in France. It was such an experience. I loved asking people for directions, ordering food and drinks at restaurants...everything! Mom and I got around Paris using the Metro (The first time for me to be on ANY sort of ~~subway~~ underground) and we didn't even get lost! The public transport in Europe is unreal.

Dinner on the Eiffel Tower was spectacular. I couldn't have asked for a better trip to Paris.
My legs were sore though! So much walking. I loved that too, ha ha.

Notre Dame was my favorite though.

The only downer was the waiting in line for SIX (yeah, you read that correctly; six) hours..and that was only WAITING in line. Then the train ride was slower because of weather conditions (silly Europe, snow isn't THAT scary), so we got to Paris about six or so hours later than we had originally planned (and by "we" I mean my mom). However, I am just stoked that I got what I was most hoping for and that was a trip to Paris. Thanks again, Mom!!!!

Overall, an awesome experience.

Wouldn't trade this past experience and Christmas for the world.

Apology and A Pretty Good Explanation

2010-12-23T00:55:00.000-08:00

Sorry about the absence of the last two Random Tuesday thoughts...it is December, and holiday time (which you all of course know) but my new circumstances of where I live require me to:

play mother...to teenagers.
get the house all decorated for Christmas. by myself. tree and all.
keep the house tidy
wrap gifts
clean my room and do my own laundry
pack for England
oh, and work my other job too

So, needless to say, I have been busy. As we speak I am now in the beautiful UK with my darling mother and step dad. I am not going to say more, I will blog about my time here later....when I return to the homeland. (AMERICA RULES!!!!)

So, on hiatus....

but,

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!!

Random Tuesdays: Edition 3, Birthday Edition

2010-12-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

This wonderful Tuesday is my dearest "little sisters" 15th birthday :) it was spectacular!
We woke up at 7, laid around until about 8, did hair, makeup, blah blah,changed outifts a billion times (okay, only I did), breakfast and jetted!!! Spent the day "up north" as we hick-folk in the south-central region call it, shopping, eating, and most of all laughing. I haven't laughed so hard since I was with my mom (4 months, in case you're wondering.) Overall, FANTASTIC day.

I am recently obsessed with tights and leggings. Don't try to stop me. The pandemic has already started. I now have 4 pair.

I just bought some boots today, and will be wearing them whenever I can. Along with the new red high heels.

After said purchases, I am now broke. Aaah, bittersweet.

I've been getting in touch with my crafty side,and have been making flower barrettes for hair; and lemme tell you - they don't look half bad!! I'll post pictures soon. I just bought a bunch of new flowers, and I have so many ideas. Can't wait to get started!!!

Crocheting. Love it. Relaxing. aah.

Learning new songs on the piano. By doing so, feeling my Grandmother's presence more and more. Boy, I sure do miss her.

Well, that's all for now!

Bissos!

Random Tuesdays: Edition 2, Holiday Edition

2010-11-30T13:43:00.000-08:00

Holidays! YAY! I love the holidays :)

Thanksgiving this year was a bit different...Turkey day with out my mommy and grandma and Shelby...it was different, because I was with my Aunt's side of the family instead of the McCoy Clan, but it was good. Everyone treated me as if I was their granddaughter or niece, and it was nice. I'm slightly pathetic, I need to know that I'm needed and involved,, so everyone there was so nice to appease me. Not to mention the food was so amazingily delicious, I wanted to eat everything. And I probably did..

Christmas in England this year. I'm super excited. Super nervous too. Flying ins't my favorite thing in the world. It actually is on my list of "Things I Absolutely Hate To Do" right a long with Take Out The Trash. (Seriously, I'd rather vacuum, dust, wash dishes, sweep, and mop the entire house than take out the trash. I hate doing that so much). I'm nervous to meet my mom's friends, I hope they like me! But mostly I am just excited to see my mom :) Not to mention seeing London from a native Englishman's (my step dad) perspective. I'm just happy! What makes me happiest though, is that my dear mother is happy, and that my step dad is actually excited for me to come over too...that makes me so happy. He doesn't hate me. He wants to do stuff with me. He actually wants me to be there and he is excited about taking me places. For once, a father figure in my life is actually showing me positive attention and wanting to bond with me. My heart has never felt so warm.

**
I love cleaning. I can't wait until I can buy all my own cleaning supplies and go to town at my own apartment.

**
I've started reading again, and I love it. My imagination and vocabulary are back. Yay.
**

I've recently started to "go green" and I love it. Just little things like, buying recycled things and recycling aluminum and plastic. I feel like I'm actually doing something good. Kindof.

**

I want to join the big brothrs/big sisters organizaation, but I'm not sure we have it in the area that I'm at. I feel like every person should know how awesome they are, and plus I'm never going to grow up, so I want to live my childhood/teenage years for as long as I can. Maybe someday I'll be able to join? Hopefully.

Well that's all!

Drink some eggnog, all the flavors, and remember that you are loved. Be with your family. Play in the snow. Build a miniature snowperson. Bake cookies, decorate your home, and eat too much. Snuggle on the couch and read a good book. Eat ice cream. Just...enjoy your life.

Happy Holidays folks :)

Just a quickie

2010-11-28T21:54:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been away; sincerest apologies...it's been...well ya know life.

Mostly I've been trying to customize my blog. I just want it cute. It's not cute right now. And I'm extreeemly unhappy about it. It's very upsetting. But, alas, I am working on it.

Recently I've been playing Call of Duty: Black Ops: Nazi Zombies. Yeah I know; nerdy, right? It is. It's uber nerdy, and i'm fine with it. I've been learning all about xbox 360 and guns (fake ones on the game of course; I am terrified of "real life" guns) and how to get the most points and headshots...and, you know, I have to admit that it's actually really fun. It's kind of embarrassing to admit that I like it and that I wear the dorky headset so I can chat (yes, they chat with each other) with the other players on xbox live -- and also with those in my own household who I play with -- so we don't die. I've progressed rather quickly, if I do say so myself. As the nerdy hardcore gamers say, "You're not bad, for a girl." Normally I'd be offended, but I'll accept that compliment.

I've been playing this delightful game with my dearest "little sister" (as everyone in my current town seems to think we are siblings) Miss Jo. It's been a blast! I will upload some pics later.

As for now, Zombie Killing time has arrived, and alas I have a promise to keep to Miss Jo.

Die you motherless flesh addicts!!!!!!!!!!!!!

.....don't judge.

Random Tuesdays: Edition 1

2010-11-23T15:43:00.000-08:00

So I've jumped on the "Random Tuesday" train, and I'm proud of it, I have to say! You can check out some other random tuesday blogs here and another one here. Try it out! I really like their writing, you might to. Try it out.

Thus begins my Random Tuesday Thoughts.

I realize that I've been hiding behind an excuse for my craziness and my perfectionism..I've told people (and myself) in the past that I'm OCD. "Yeah, yeah, OCD. It drives me crazy when things aren't clean or in place." That's what I used to say.

Well. . . I'm not OCD. I have never in my young adult life been diagnosed of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I exhibit absolutely no signs of OCD. Yeah, I don't really like germs, and sometimes I freak myself out in public places with I think about all the nasty people's hands who have touched things like door handles, railings, sink handles, toilets, etc., and I'll occasionally go out of my way to avoid touching them and even pack around my own GermX and antibacterial wipes, but that's about it, and it doesn't happen extremely often. I don't think about it everyday all day...yeah well you get the point. I like things clean, especially kitchens and bathrooms. People recently have been calling me OCD...and it's bothering me now. Have I set myself up for this though? I can't help but think I have. Another thing I've been told I have: ADD. I am not Attention Deficit. I have a lot of energy and spontaneity. That's about it. So, I've decided to not refer to myself as having these disorders. I just want to be normal! If that's even possible.

What good is wind? No good. It erodes away our beautiful mountains.

Snow storm coming up, yay! But I can't snowboard (or shred the gnar as I and other snowboard junkies call it) which is super depressing :(.

Nazi Zombies. A pretty fun game...if only I can learn how to a) not panic when more than 3 come at me and b) aim. Just aim. Maybe I'll get my own Xbox. Seems like a possibility.

I am worried about the Droid X getting here safely and in one piece. Calm down, there's nothing I can do about it.

Well, that's about it!

Random Tuesdays, Edition 1, completed. Woo!

3BT: 3 Beautiful Things

2010-11-20T09:52:00.000-08:00

1. The aesthic way in which the colors teal and milk chocolate brown go together. They're very pleasing to the eye, and work well together.

2. Music. People don't realize how beautiful it really is, in all of it's shapes and sizes, every sound it musters, is beautiufl.

3. People.

Decisions

2010-11-20T09:47:00.000-08:00

Now that I'm not living with my family anymore, I feel even more pressure to get my "poop in a group" and decide what I'm ultimately going to be doing with my life. I've already gotten my 4-year degree, so now what? Well, it's time to start life. . . right? That's the most popular ~~next step,~~ isn't it? So, how does one "start life"?

I supposed that the answer to this question totally depends on where one is at life. Is the next step to get married? If so, I'm out of luck. What about grad school? That's a possibility, and it's even on my life of things I'd like to do. How does one decide where to go to grad school? And how does one get the finances for such an expensive thing??

I need to decide. I need to decide where I want to live, what I want to do, how to get what I want, and I need to decide sort of um like now. It's just a lot harder than I always thought it would be..

DaY TWeNty-NiNe

2010-11-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

What you have learned in the past month:

I've learned that real life is nothing like they portray it in the movies, and that growing up can be fun if you let it.

Day TwenTy-EiGHT

2010-11-15T20:24:00.000-08:00

So my pc broke :( tragedy, I know! With only three days left too!
So, I don't have a picture of myself from last year.

I've changed in that I now have brown hair, and I'm 1/2 an inch taller, 10 lbs lighter, and happier.

:)

It Shouldn't Matter (But it totally does)

2010-11-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

Facebook, the new-age version of stalking. Yeah I'm guilty of Facebook stalking people, when I'm bored I'll see who so-and-so is dating, what they look like, who their friends are, all that business. Facebook is also a great way to keep up on your actual friends' lives and see how they're doing, blah blah we all know that. I would assume that being friends with someone on Facebook, you see how their name is spelled. My name is unusually spelled, I'm aware of that. But, if you see it enough, you see how it's spelled and I would think that you would know how.

I can not stand that people spell my name incorrectly. It. Drives. Me. NUTS. How hard is it when you see how it's spelled right there in front of you???? I don't get it. Em-sea-kay-eeeee-elle. McKel. Muh-Kel. It's not Mckellle, Mackelle, mckell. NO! One "L". Not "McKelllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll." Just one. Solo uno. Seule une. Il n'ya pas dificile!!!

Aye.

It shouldn't matter.

But it does.

DaY TWeNTY-SeVen

2010-11-13T11:56:00.001-08:00

Why you're doing the 30 day challenge.

I decided to do it so that I could get into the habit of daily blogging. Even if I don't continue doing daily posts, I think I'll at least do weekly ones.

I've discovered some awesome blogs, and some fantastic new blog ideas that I cant wait to try.

TwEnTy-SiX

2010-11-12T10:18:00.000-08:00

What do you think about your friends?

Well, I like them obviously. I think that they've put up with a lot from me, and expected me to be the best of me that I could, helping me when I'm down.

I think I have the best friends in the world.

I think I miss them tons :(

Day TWeNTY-and-FiVe

2010-11-11T09:14:00.000-08:00

What would you find in my bag?

Ha ha! Treasure! No, just kidding. But I pack a lot of crap around with me, so what you'd find in my purse would be:

a book
several folded up pieces of paper, notes that i've take that day
5 or 6 chapsticks
4 packs of gum (all different flavor, mind you)
bobby pins
keys
pens
an emery board
cell phone

that's pretty much it.
some change if your lucky, and some girly supplies ha ha.

Hmm, what do you think?

2010-11-10T13:58:00.000-08:00

This is shallow! I'm aware. I just like to get the opinion of others.
So, what do you think? Blonde or Brunette??

Oh, Imagination..

2010-11-10T08:26:00.000-08:00

I think. A lot. I mean, UH- LOT. About the most random things, too. I'm not sure why I do, or even where these ~~thoughts~~ daydreams come from. I considered that maybe it's all the books I read. There are millions of these crazy, impossible scenarios and worlds that could never happen; maybe I put myself in my favorite character's shoes and think about what I would do in certain situations, who I would fall in love with or obliterate. But, no, that can't be it...I enjoy the story to much as it is to want to be the main character. That's too much time away from my secret world in the story.

So maybe it's television, and all the movies I watch. 'Yeah, yeah that's gotta be it!' I think to myself. All the scandalous relationships and secret liaisons going on, it is a little bit fun to imagine all of the craziness being a part of your world. Not to mention all the hotties in Hollywood these days. So yeah, I feel that movies and television contribute to hmmm, let's say about half of my daydreams.

And the other half? Where are they coming from? Because yeah, I'll admit it, sometimes I'll daydream about what it'd be like to be a character in "True Blood" or "Gossip Girl" or shit even "Family Guy" (haha, just kidding), But the other half of my daydreams are about real people I know, and real places that I've been. Real emotions that I've felt. Why am I thinking about these people and these things?? Like, "what if..."

I'm nervous I'm spending too much time "what-iffing.'
What if my real dad kept me?
What if we lived in Arizona?
What if I had sisters and brothers?
What if I was better at the piano?
What if it had worked out between he and I?
What if he confessed that he likes me more than he lets on and he's just nervous because of his past?
What if he's really just the jackass he acts like?
What if I never get married?
What if I become an attorney?

Too many What If's.

DaY TWeNTY-FoUR

2010-11-10T08:12:00.000-08:00

The 'original' day 24 says "your last five facebook status'" and I think that's dumb, sooooo I'm changing it again.

Instead of the last five Facebook Status' I'm going to list five books I highly recommend.*
(I like my idea much better.)

Alrighty!

The Great Gatsby. This book is a classic, which is the first reason I recommend it, and the second is because it is a beautiful tale of love and travesty! Oh, and there are other themes that are pretty cool too, but I don't want to give it all away.
Catcher in the Rye. I haven't read this book for about 4 years or so, but I still think that everyone should read it, at least ONCE in their lifetime. It's fantastic.
A Tale of Two Cities. Charles Dickens is one of my favorite authors, and this particular story is simply captivating! I think so anyway.
The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants. Alright, alright, I know it's a "chick" book, but it is very well written chick book. If you saw the movie without reading the book, the movie was a terrible display of the actual storyline. But that's how it is in most cases I've come to realize. There are four books in this series, and they are all superb. Don't judge them too harshly, they're actually decent books.
Diary of a Teenage Girl. Also a "chick" book. I read this when I was still a teenager and in high school, but I still think it deserves some attention. It goes through more issues that we all (at least girls) go through, but maybe don't ever tell anyone. I mean EVER tell anyone. Maybe your journal. Maybe. My point being that this is another very well written story that is worth the read.

Note: This list is not in order of preference

*These books are not my "top favorite" books, they are simply books I highly suggest.
(as if I could pick a favorite)

DaY TWeNtY-THRee

2010-11-09T19:58:00.000-08:00

Something you crave for a lot.

Music.
   Ice cream.
   Diet Pepsi.
   Crushed Ice.
   Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies.
   More Music.
   SNOW.
   Water.
   (water in any form).
   Snow.
   Ice Cream.
Music.

DaY TWeNTY-TWo

2010-11-09T19:55:00.000-08:00

I know that on the original 30 days blog list it says to "What makes you different from everyone else" but I don't like that. Obviously no two people are alike, and I think it's silly to tell you all why/how I'm different from you all. You probably know how I'm different if you know me in person. Therefore, I have decided to change this day and make up my own!

So, day 22. Celebrity Crush.

Ah! Now this I can tell you ha ha. Well, maybe not. I haven't decided on ONE exact crush. The closest one to that is probably Ashton Kutcher. I've loved him since I was 17. Super upset he's married to Demi Moore; broke my heart! Ha ha, idk, I just like his acting style, the things he stands for and participates outside of his movie/acting life, and I just think he's hilarious. I would LOVE LOVE to meet him; but I'm still upset he's married! Ha ha story of my life.

I included some other pictures of men I think are pleasant to look at, ha ha.

Chase Crawford. Definitely #2 on the list.

Chris Evans

David Boreanaz; my "old man" crush

Patrick Dempsey

Penn Bagley; LOVE HIM

A little more Chace Crawford

SOme hot guy ha ha

DaY TWeNtY-OnE

2010-11-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

A picture of something you love.

snowboarding.

I absolutely adore snowboarding.

Nothing can compare to a blue-bird day out with your buddies and your tunes, got your gear on, fresh wax on your board, ready to hit the fresh pow and shred up the back country; maybe even surf the corduroy.

There's just something about the snow all around you...the crisp, fresh mountain air on your face and in your lungs....beautiful nature everywhere....just something about it makes one feel free. Having your besties there makes it even betta!

Day TWeNTY

2010-11-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

Someone you love.

My mother. I would literally not be here if it wasn't for her. She has helped me believe in myself when I thought that there was no hope left. She's helped me with everything in my life It's hard without her here, that I can't call her every day and know she'll answer, but it's making me a stronger person and it's DEFINITELY made me appreciate her more.